Yooo dudes!
This past weekend I celebrated Easter with my family. The weather was beautiful and the food came out pretty damn close if not exact to how my mom used to do it all! We were pretty proud of ourselves and enjoyed a good day with close family. It was def weird without my mom there but, it wasn't this big gaping hole like we thought it would be....it really felt like she was with us, hard to explain, but it just did.
I had a couple shitty moments with two family members. Nothing to significant to talk about though, just stupid bullshit with stupid people. I'm really over tolerating people because they're family and I don't want to put the time or energy into it anymore.
On a more positive note, because of Patriots Day a few of my friends were home for the long weekend so I was able to chill with them and enjoy some great summer weather. Monday was a pretty solid day overall and it really had me missing the good old times. Fuck I sound like my parents. When did just hanging out and doing whatever with my friends become the "good old times" We're in our early 20s, we're not 50! So yesterday AM I picked up my friend J, she's pretty cool and haven't seen her in a couple months so it was great to hang out, we headed to D's place to pick him up and wait for our friend C who was driving in from her place out of town. We piled in my car, packed a few bowls and went for a good old fashioned burn ride. The weather in my town was high 80s and clear and it felt sooo good. I love summer weather! We just smoked and drove/walked around, grabbed lunch at a restaurant with a deck on the ocean and then headed to the beach for a bit before heading back to D's so he could leave to get back to his school.
It was a pretty lax day and nothing special happened it was just good to chill with a few friends and have some laughs. I forgot though how being the in sun all and being high on top of that can really wipe the shit outta you.
I love smoking weed. I will freely admit that to anyone who asks. Smoking used to help calm my anxiety but then there was this turning point this past September when my mom's health was getting worse and when I realized no matter how much I tried, I would never be straight. I've slowly started to introduce it back into my body this weekend, but only when I knew I'd be productive and when I'd be with some good people. Yesterday was attempt 2, attempt 1 was saturday night when it was just D and I hanging out at a local bar watching the Bruin's game. Both times were fine, with the exception of the tail end of today's high when I was coming down.
Felt mad tired on the drive back to my house and started getting some anxiety about the whole gay thing. It stills feels surreal to me that I'm gay and that I'm going to be fully out someday. It scares the shit out of me. Just the thoughts of bringing a boyfriend to family parties and then having a husband someday while all my dude cousins will have wives. I feel so raw and vulnerable all the time. I know these thoughts creeped in cause of the weed but I honestly don't regret smoking yesterday. For a few hours it felt like the old times and I really needed that. I've given it up for some time now cause of everything with my mom and everything with me coming out. Just makes the anxiety a lot worse, so I cut it out. I'm definitely not going to be smoking like I used to, that would be nice, but it's just not for me at this point.
But, going back to the anxiety. There are times where I legit am fine with the gay thing and actually think its cool that I'm a dude into dudes haha, but most of the time I just stress out about it all. I honestly can't see myself in a relationship. I don't know how to let people into my life, even my closest friends are kept at arm's length some of the time. I'm a private guy and very guarded and trust is HUGE with me. It takes A LOT for me to trust someone and I mean A LOT! I just can't see myself letting some dude in that I haven't known for a decent amount of time. How do I do that? I like when things happen naturally, in a go-with-the-flow kind of way. I hope that happens for me. I just don't see how it will.....
I feel like my mind is never at ease, like its constantly moving from thought to thought to thought, and this is when I'm 100% sober! Every other dude I see looks so chill and without problems. I'm wicked envious of these guys and if they're with some hot chick, well then, I'm downright miserable. I want to be one of them. I want to just live in the moment like they seem to be. I look at pictures from over the years and I hate it cause they remind me of how I've never been just in that moment and happy. I look at pictures with my sister in them and she always looks happy and in the moment, without any thoughts other than what is happening right then. My sister only lives in the moment, she really does just like my mom. She doesn't care about what just happened or whats going to happen she just enjoys life without a whole lot of worry and I'm not sure that I will ever be so lucky.
It was a good day that ended up not-so-great, but today I'm feeling alright. Just want everything to get better and better so that I'll be able to live the life I want someday.
Here's another favorite Cudi song that came up on my friends playlist yesterday when driving around. Have a listen, it's def worth your time.
KiD CuDi - Up Up and Away
Want to have his attitude:
I'll be up up and away
Up up and away
Cause they gon' judge me anyway so whatever
I'll be up up and away
Up up and away
Cause in the end they'll judge me anyway so whatever
Also, I'm open to Q&A so if any of you guys would like to ask a question and receive an answer, just ask away in the comments section below! Don't hold back, I'm open to answering pretty much anything.
im the same way with not living in the moment. i always think about stuff and have things set a certain way. i wish i was care free like others but i guess it helps me be more productive and on top of things. kind of sucks really but its hard to change for me...solid song though
ReplyDeleteYeah, it seems like my mind naturally drifts to the future or the past, never stays in the present. I'm working on that.
ReplyDeleteAs for the gay thing, it is definitely a major thing for your head to wrap around. This past weekend I think is the first time I've actually felt pretty good about it, as I wrote in my blog. Try to take things a step at a time. Don't worry too much about the far future. You could think of 100 different possible scenarios and chances are they're all wrong. Life sometimes takes unexpected turns. Back in January I never would have guessed I'd be where I am now, having gone on dates with seven going on eight different guys and having a couple great new gay friends.
I guess we're dealing with the same brain twist... always thinking and overthinking bout the past and the future in like 100 different ways. My bf refers to it as 'the grinding mill in my head' when he sees I'm doing that (he just sees it in my eyes when I'm doing it again).
ReplyDeleteI agree with socrkid that it helps you to be more productive or achieve things others wont. I can easily see through people's intentions and guess what they really mean or feel by my usual observing and reading between the lines. Always feeling or at least thinking about how other people feel about something you're saying/doing is causing a lot of stress though. So honestly I would like to be less productive/organised/prepared/empathic and indeed be a little (a lot) more chill and enjoy the moment. I'm really trying to, but it's damn difficult. Still haven't find the 'swith off' button.
Socrkid - sometimes it doesn't work to my advantage in being more productive, i can easily get caught up in it all and be mad depressed which can cripple me at times. I'm trying to work on that cause I hate being unproductive, it makes me feel like a waste of life. I really wanna be able to work through it better and channel my energy into more important stuff.
ReplyDeleteSCaIRF - sucks man, doesn't it? Yeah I'm just sick of my head wrapping around it so damn much. Even though its great to be out to my family, and hell, even just out to myself....I swear I was more carefree when I was in the closet. The only thing that was on my mind was the gay thing and it wasn't all that I thought about. I didn't worry about my masculinity or my future. I know things will get better it just sucks having to deal with all this now on top of my mom dying. And you're so right dude about the different scenarios. I am def guilty of doing that and its all bullshit cause nothing is ever as bad as I think it will be. Glad to hear you're doing well bud! Keep going with the good stuff, things will flow.
Kevin - I like that comparison. Yeah my dad can tell when I'm doing it and he always tries to help me through the thoughts, doesn't always work, but I appreciate his help cause he's gotten me through a lot in the past 6 months.
See my comment to socrkid and I feel ya man, I'd def like to be wayyy more chill. Its funny cause people think I am. I hate overanalyzing everything, it shreds my brain at times and i'm really getting sick of it. I wish there were a switch off button! that'd be sick haha things would be so much easier. Btw, sent you a reply to your email. hope you got it