Thursday, December 27, 2012

Christmas, Gay Bow Ties, and Cute Bakery Guy

Merry Christmas to all my fellow bloggers and readers!  Hope everyone had a great holiday with their families and friends.

This year was the first year without my mom, but it wasn't nearly as hard has we thought it would be, mainly because we felt her with us the whole day.  Unfortunately I spent most of the day by myself, having woken up Christmas morning with the flu or some type of similar virus, I wasn't able to join my dad and sister at my aunt and uncles house down the road.  It was all good though, I had a solid time resting on my couch next to a roaring fire, while watching Elf haha.  To be honest I also enjoyed a good jerk off sesh.  I finally had the house to myself for the first time in a few weeks so I didn't have to be careful about being loud and shit.  Also, we had a white Christmas so aside from being sick it was a pretty great day for me haha.

Christmas has always been big in my house, my dad had a father who wasn't really around all that much, especially on the holidays.  He made the promise that he would always give my sister and I the memories he wish he had grown up with.  He has always followed through.  We're more grateful than ever this year because he was able to do it all, even without my mom.  We all gave each other some great gifts, some being really meaningful.

The best gift I got this year was from my sister, it's a bow tie.  Not just any bow tie, it was one from actor Jesse Tyler Ferguson's (Modern Family) line of bow ties called Tie the Knot.  100% of the proceeds benefit the fight for Marriage Equality in the US.  The link: 

She chose the green/purple plaid in the top right because 
those were my mom's favorite colors, so she made it even more meaningful.

This years line is sold out (I got the second to last one) but they have another line coming out in February 2013.  I think its fucking awesome that my sister did this for me, she knows I love to rock a bow tie from time to time. That she chose something that had deep meaning behind it well, made it possibly one of the best gifts I've ever been given.

Now on to cute bakery nothing happened between us, well at least nothing sexual.  It was my sister's birthday and I stopped at a local bakery a couple towns over to pick up her cake.  I walk in and there were a couple of good looking dudes working the kitchen which is open to the front of the store.  The guy I was most attracted to immediately welcomed me in and started talking with me, asking my needs, etc.  Then the owner comes out, great lady btw.  We're talking and I'm making all these wise-ass comments about my sister and how high-maintence she is and I'm cracking the guy up.  He's laughing at everything I say and he just keeps looking over at me, even though he was supposed to be doing other things.  So I continue on being the witty guy I am and start talking directly to him and we begin what I would consider to be flirting, dunno if he saw it that way, but it sure felt like it to me.  He tells me to have a great night and I head off to my sister's birthday dinner feeling confident as hell.

I go back there a few days later because I have a friend's Christmas party to go to and I need to bring dessert so I figured, what the hell, I'll go back to [insert name of bakery here].  I walk in and he's there again, he helps me out and as I'm leaving he makes a point to say "Have a great holiday, man."  I didn't know if I was reading too much into it all, but when he said that to me as I was leaving it felt sincere, like he really wanted me to have a great holiday.  Anyway it was a big deal for me, mainly because I've always lacked confidence, but all of a sudden as I'm standing there talking to this guy I realize this is a holy-shit-ive-never-had-this-kind-of-confidence moment.  I just went with it and to be honest, felt a little empowered.

That's all men.  Hope you all are doing well.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Thanksgiving and pics from Iceland

Hey Dudes,

I know this is a bit late, but hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving holiday.  Mine was pretty solid, celebrated with close family. It was low-key and for sure hard without my mother being there, as well as her brother, but all in all a peaceful day. They weren't the only ones missing, though.  We had dinner with my dad's cousin and her family at my house, like we always have.  His cousin is like a sister to him.  Both my parents were stuck with the shit end of the stick when it came to biological siblings, but they were lucky enough to find brothers and sisters in some of their cousins.  This cousin, my aunt, is an unbelievable woman.  She and my mom were very close.  She was the only person through my moms fight with cancer that treated her totally normal.  My mom really appreciated that.  Her oldest daughter was also missing from Thanksgiving.  She's battled addiction for years with alcohol and prescription drugs, which is very common where I live.  She finally hit rock bottom last summer and my aunt and uncle made the decision to send her away for long-term treatment.

She's an awesome girl and I'm mad proud of her....she went willingly, knowing she needed to change her life.  She's doing so well and even though there's still a long road ahead, we all have a feeling this time is legit.  We missed her a lot, so Thanksgiving was hard all around, but we're happy because we know at least she'll be coming back.  It was only our two families who had dinner together, so there were six of us in total, the smallest we've ever had.  It was great though, super chill and go with the flow.  No stick-up-their-ass relatives to deal with until later in the day when my mom's mother came by haha.  Hope everyone had a great holiday and enjoyed being with their loved ones.

What are you guys most thankful for?  I know I'm thankful just to be alive and well.  That I have my sight, ability to walk and function normally (things we all normally take for granted).  And that I have great people in my life, both at home and here in the blogosphere!

On a different note, I've posted some pictures from Iceland.  Despite what happened on this recent trip, I still love the place.  My dad and my sister fell in's a beautiful country.  The city of Reykjavik is one of the top ten best nightlife cities of Europe and the countryside is unbelievable with it's waterfalls, lava fields, and active volcanos.  I wasn't able to get many pics from this last trip because it was cut short, but enjoy.

Sign on the door of a bar in Reykjavik.  Love it.

Gulfoss Waterfall, one of the most powerful in
the world.  Beats out Niagra in the US

Icelandic Horses, only found in Iceland

Cool surf cloud over farm land

My sister killin it in front of the statue at Hallgrímskirkja Church

 Hotel 101 drinks in the lounge

 Some architecture I liked

UNO cucina italiana.  

Tried the braised oxtail....nomnomnom

 A small church my father, sister's bf, and I ended up in

Hallgrímskirkja Church - most famous in Iceland. Enormous.

Views from the steeple at Hallgrímskirkja Church

 Burgers are BOMB at Vegamót, one of my
favorite restaurants in RKV

 Reykjavik City Hall

 Great bar and restaurant

Sun Voyager Sculpture
"Sun Voyager is a dreamboat, an ode to the sun.  Intrinsically, it contains within itself the promise of
undiscovered territory, a dream of hope, progress and freedom.  The sculpture is located by Sæbraut, by the sea in the centre of Reykjavik, Iceland."

 Views of the city harbor

 Lava fields

Church and graveyard in the middle of nowhere

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Iceland and Back

Iceland turned into a nightmare for my family.  We actually had to secretly leave in the middle of the night, three days into the trip, to get away from my dad's sister and her family.

I won't go into a lot of detail.  I would be sitting here for hours.  Basically we've always had some issues with my dad's sister, some my dad kept from my sister and I to protect us.  But we became close enough that I felt I could trust her with my biggest secret, that I'm gay.  Turns out she had us all fooled and is really a two-faced, lying, opportunistic cunt.  Yep dudes I said it, and I said it to her face friday night when she was emotionally and mentally torturing my family for hours.

A fight broke out when my dad's sister started texting him privately from her bathroom so her daughter and husband wouldn't know.  My dad went to their house and confronted her.  He left and we locked ourselves in our house.  She stormed over, my dad opened the door to tell her to leave and she forced her way in....

She told us exactly what she thought of us individually as people, as a family, my parent's marriage, and what she thought of my dead mother all these years.  She was calling her a fucking bitch, saying she wasn't a good wife or mother (creating lies) and basically desecrating a woman who wasn't there to defend herself.  My father (who is vehemently against violence towards women) slapped her across the face when she started to tear apart my mom and our memory of her.  The slap was %150 warranted and she slapped him twice back to get even.  This woman has a severe mental illness.  Different things that didn't make sense throughout the years all came together that night to bring us to this conclusion.  She was going between being eerily calm, then psychotic, then calm, then psychotic.

We said nothing during this huge fight that attacked her family or her except for saying things like "you fucking cunt", "get the fuck out you bitch", and "you're fucking crazy".  I did bring her and her husband's abusive marriage up and that was only after she threatened to out me.  However, everything she was saying was calculated.  Almost like she had everything bullet pointed in a notebook.  She was bringing things that pissed her off from 25+ years ago, including being angry about my dad getting married.  See dudes, NO ONE can be closer to my dad than her, not my mom, not me, not my sister.  That night we found out that she caused a major rift between us and our grandmother.  She was making up lies about my parent's marriage that my sister and I know weren't true.  She was making up other stuff that spewing out these stories like that were truth.  Scary thing is, they were her truth, but they were all lies.

Aside from ripping apart my mom, the next worst thing she did was threaten to out me to our family.  I let her in to the most vulnerable part of my life and trusted her and she threatened to use it against me.  I felt violated, we all did.  We felt and still feel like we were mentally and emotionally tortured and raped by this woman.  The only reason we didn't call the police on her was because my father slapped her and I knew she would play victim the minute they arrived.  We were finally able to get her out of our house at 3:30AM, the fight started at 11:30PM.

We sat in darkness packing everything we had.  We drove our car, lights off, down the driveway so she wouldn't see us (she was in the house next to ours).  We packed everything into the car, went back into the house and tried to find a hotel in Reykjavik.  Everything was booked except for one hotel that was like a Motel 6.  We left the house and went to the hotel at around 5AM, it was bright white in the room, felt like a sterile hospital room or a bunker.  We were able to get a few hours of sleep until leaving there at 11AM and heading to the airport.  When we got the airport we were able to book the last four seats on the only flight leaving that day.  They were all in the same row, like they were meant for us.

Needless to say we will never speak to her again.  We are done forever with her and her asshole of a husband.  Her son is like an older brother to me and her daughter, like a younger sister.  I'm not sure if I will ever see them again.  And for all I know she could have outed me to them.  If thats the case, then I've been robbed of something that none of us deserve to have taken from us; the experience of telling those we care about the most.

They say that there are two sides to every story and the truth.  Literally, in this case, there is her side of the story and ours: the truth.  She was like an uncaged animal that we couldn't get a hold of.  No lie, aside from the throw up, it was like a seen out of The Exorcist.  We were dealing with levels of insanity that we have never seen before in our lives.  My sister's boyfriend was in shock.  We felt like it was a dream, that something like this couldn't have actually happened to us.  But it did and even though it was so traumatic for us, we feel angry, sad, violated, happy, and free.  Like a weight has been lifted in our lives.  Especially after my father told us things about her that he had been trying to protect us from in the past.

We are just grateful to be back in our house in the states, safe and happy, with family around us that cares.

Hope all you guys are doing well.


Monday, November 5, 2012

Birthday and Iceland

Yoo guys, how's it going?

I'm leaving for Iceland in the AM with my family and my dad's sister's family is meeting us there later in the week.  It was my birthday this past weekend so we're gonna do a late celebration in Reykjavik, the capital, where we are staying.  This place is soo sick and should be on everyone's list.  Can't wait to be back since I had such a great time last year!  Awesome museums, restaurants, stores, and the country is insane with the lava fields, active volcanos, waterfalls, geysers, and black sand beaches.  I'll do a post with pics and hopefully a few good stories when I get back!

Here's one of my favorite songs by the Icelandic band Sigur Rós.  The song is Hoppípolla and I'm pretty sure its about the innocence of childhood and the happiness that comes from staying young at heart forever.  But there's also kind of a sadness to the song.  Just a few thoughts.  If you don't know this group then I definitely recommend checking them out.

Hope everything is good with all of you!

Take it easy dudes

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Help a bro out....

Alright guys, I'm having some trouble coming up with things to blog about.  My life has been a little uninteresting as of late and I really don't want to write about the current politics in the US haha (unless that's what you want to read about)....Soo I figured I would ask anyone who follows this blog, publicly or not, to leave comments on this post telling me what you'd like to read.

Ask me about anything (don't be shy) and it might just end up in my posts!

Thanks dudes

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Fixed - Pageviews Lost

Anyone else lose all their pageviews, traffic sources, and stats?  Just signed in a while ago and they were all gone, signed out and in again, still nothing.  Really hope its just a problem with google and they'll have it fixed soon.  Lemme know if this happened to any of you guys....


Thursday, October 11, 2012

National Coming Out Day

Thought I would do a quick post for National Coming Out Day.  I was in Boston tonight, and driving in noticed that The Garden and bridge were lit up rainbow style haha so here are a couple pics....

Thought it was pretty cool of my city to do this.... shouldn't surprise me though, we kicked off the fight for marriage equality in the US.  Didn't come out to anyone new today, but for those of you who did,  mad props dudes!  Hope you guys had nothing but great responses.  Also thought I'd post a song that I heard on the radio recently, It's Time by Imagine Dragons.  It's about being true to who you are and just being yourself.

Friday, September 28, 2012


Hey guys, how's it going?  Hope everyones well!

Today I had my weekly therapy session and realized that this past Saturday, September 22, 2012 marks 1 year since I came out to my dad.  Thats wild to me! I can't believe I've been out for a year.  I never thought I was ever going to come out to anyone. Although its been one hell of a rough year, I can honestly say that I am in a better place today then I was. I am finally beginning to see my life more clearly.  I finally feel like I am starting explore the idea of what it will be like to live my life with another man.  It feels more natural.  This past summer has been a huge transition period for me in so many ways that I can't really pin-point what, but I just feel different.  Good different.

I had my ups and downs but I am definitely gaining more confidence.  Confidence not only in the gay part of myself, but in the whole of who I am.  It feels madd fuckin good.  I wanna give a huge thanks to everyone who supports this blog, followers and those just stopping by to check it out.  Specifically I want to thank the dudes who I have kept in touch with through email - you guys are fuckin awesome and without the support, I wouldn't be where I am today.

Check out this song, I'm sure some of you have heard it, but it pretty much describes how I'm feeling about my life right now.  My taste in music has always surprised my friends and family, but I honestly like all kinds and this song is hands down one of my favorites so enjoy.

Peace dudes.

Friday, September 21, 2012

I like guys who like guys....

UPDATE:  Wrote this when I was prob too tired to post so I did some slight editing.

But what type of guy who likes guys do I like?

eyo my dudes!  So I thought I'd post about the types of guys I'm attracted to....not just guys I find hot but guys that are really my type and qualities I'd like them to have.

Type.  I'm really into guys that are kinda outdoorsy but mainly prep....more relaxed and go-with-the-flow than say, myself (I'm more or less the typical uptight prep/new englander, for lack of a better term) and I'd like for the guy I end up with to balance me out and help me loosen up a bit.  And I'm not just talking about dressing these ways, I'm talking guys who pretty much fit into the whole lifestyle.

Sense of Humor.  I really dig on dudes that have a great sense or humor (I know cliche, but it is what it is).  I have a great sense of humor, real dry and sarcastic and I'd like for the guy I'm with to be able to get it and go along with that.   I hate when people take things too literal or serious and don't take time to have some fun everyday.

Trustworthy.  The one quality I am most proud of in myself is being a damn good friend and a trustworthy one at that.  I've been fucked over in the past by friends, so trust is HUGE with me.  When I say you can trust me, I mean it, if you confide in me you can be damn sure that its not going any further than my ears.  I don't talk shit about my friends, so I except the same from others.  If you're thinking I have trust issues, you'd be correct.  I tend to trust very few and am always questioning people's intentions, no matter how good they may be.  So whoever I am with better be just like me in this regard or its not gonna work.

Good looking.  He's gotta be good looking and have a good body, no question.  I don't care if that makes me shallow, but I've been told that I'm good looking, hot, handsome, cute, etc (you get the point, not trying to brag, really I'm not)  so I expect that I will meet someone like that as well.  After all, I'm not working my ass off four days a week with two personal trainers and getting cardio in nearly every day to end up with a dude who doesn't take care of himself.  I'm really attracted to rugged good looks, facial scruff or beard but the clean cut look is great once in a while, especially if he looks like he's from Sweden (I'm also a sucker for blonds).  I'm really only attracted to white guys, but I'm def open to other ethnicities.  Not trying to sound racist, thats just always where my primary attraction has been.

Dapper Dude.  Any dude I'm with should know how to dress for any occasion.  Whether he needs to be in a dinner jacket (also known as a tuxedo), a sport coat or navy blazer, or just something casual for a cookout.  He needs to know what to where, when.  If he doesn't, I can help him out, even though I hate shopping.  I grew up in a family where there was a lot of pressure to dress properly for different things so its something that I've come to expect out of others.

Intelligent.  This one should speak for itself.  Have some common sense, have some book smarts.  Be able to keep a good conversation going.  But for God's sake don't be boring, that won't fly with me.

Athletic.  Not that I'm a huge athlete, far from it as you know from past posts.  But, I've been getting more into doing the sports oriented things that I've held myself back from in the past and I'd like a guy that I can grow my athleticism with.  I'd like a dude that could teach me a thing or two.  I'd like a dude that I could workout with.  Someone I can watch the Bruins, the Cannons, or the Pats with.  If he happens to be a Polo player then just fucking call it a done deal.  I don't know what it is but NOTHING is sexier to me than a man in Polo uniform swinging a mallet on top of a horse (one of my favorite animals).  A guy I can go hiking, sailing, or kayaking with.  Liking nature and the outdoors is definitely a good quality.

A dude.  I want the guy I'm with to be a regular dude.  A guy who, like myself, you wouldn't expect to be gay.  I think its mad sexy when two bros are together, even if its just walking down the street holding hands.  That's what seems natural to me.  I don't identify with most gay guys (obvious ones) that you see in public, its the ones that blend in with our straight brothers that I can most identify with.  He doesn't have to be some macho meathead, that is a major turnoff for me.  I like a guy that I can just chill with.  A guy I can rough-house and joke around with.  I'm not gonna go into detail on the obvious: deep voice, masc. looks, etc.  That stuff is a given.

Confident.  I've always lacked this.  However, I'm building it up and I've come pretty far from where I was, even just a few months ago.  I know how mentally and emotionally draining a lack of confidence can be so I want the dude I'm with to be a confident one.  That way we can feed off each others strength.

Globetrotter.  I love traveling.  Therefore the guy I'm attracted will hopefully like to travel, to see the world.  But not as a typical tourist, as someone who likes to submerge himself into the culture and get to know some locals.

Good Guy.  Probably the most important.  He has to be a good guy.  Someone who is genuinely nice, can hang out with my friends and family, and get along with everyone in my life.  Treats not only me, but also others with respect.

So there you have it, my list of what I find attractive in other guys, in no particular order.  I know theres no perfect guy out there, but this to me is a pretty reasonable list.

These guys played a couple on a show my mom used to watch.  The one on the left is Scott Evans, he's gay in real life and brother to Chris Evans.  I caught an episode one time and what they had in that show is what I want someday, this pic is an example of that.

Take it easy guys, and hope you enjoyed the post! 

Monday, September 3, 2012

Carry On and Some Nights

Wanted to post a couple songs that I've been listening to as of late.  The first song is Carry On by Fun.  This group is nothing but great and has serious talent.  Lyrics are real inspirational and just get me going, pretty much like all their other songs.  Second song is Some Nights, also by Fun. its just a sick song that always gets me pumped. Anyways dudes, enjoy!

Carry On

Well I woke up to the sound of silence
The cars were cutting like knives in a fist fight
And I found you with a bottle of wine
Your head in the curtains
And heart like the fourth of July

You swore and said
We are not
We are not shining stars
This I know
I never said we are

Though I've never been through hell like that
I've closed enough windows 
To know you can never look back

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground and,
Carry on

Carry on, carry on

So I met up with some friends 
In the edge of the night
At a bar off seventy five 
And we talked and talked 
About how our parents will die
All our neighbors and wives

But I like to think
I can cheat it all
To make up for the times I've been cheated on
And it's nice to know
When I was left for dead
I was found and now I don't roam these streets
I am not the ghost you want of me

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone,
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground and,
Carry on

My head is on fire
But my legs are fine
After all they are mine
Lay your clothes down on the floor
Close the door
Hold the phone
Show me how 
No one's ever gonna stop us now

Cause we are 
We are shining stars
We are invincible
We are who we are
On our darkest day
When we're miles away
So we'll come
We will find our way home

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground and,
Carry on

Carry on, carry on

Some Nights (skip to 2:17 if you don't want the intro, or don't and enjoy the whole piece)

Some nights, I stay up cashing in my bad luck
Some nights, I call it a draw

Some nights, I wish that my lips could build a castle
Some nights, I wish they'd just fall off

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh Lord, I'm still not sure, what I stand for oh oh oh
What do I stand for? Oh what do I stand for?
Most nights, I don't know anymore
Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa oh oh
Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa oh oh

This is it, boys, this is war, what are we waiting for?
Why don't we break the rules already?
I was never one to believe the hype, 
Save that for the black and white I try twice as hard and I'm half as liked, 
But here they come again to jack my style

That's alright, I found a martyr in my bed tonight
Stops my bones from wondering just who I, who I, who I am, oh who am I, mm, mm

Well some nights, I wish that this all would end
'Cause I could use some friends for a change
And some nights, I'm scared you'll forget me again
Some nights, I always win, I always win

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for, oh
What do I stand for? Oh what do I stand for? Most nights, I don't know (come on)

So this is it? I sold my soul for this?
Washed my hands of that for this?
I miss my mom and dad for this?
No. When I see stars, when I see stars, that's all they are
When I hear songs, they sound like a swan, so come on
Oh, come on, oh, come on, oh come on!

Well that is it, guys, that is all, five minutes in and I'm bored again
Ten years of this, I'm not sure if anybody understands
This is not one for the folks at home, I'm sorry to leave, mom, I had to go
Who the fuck wants to die alone all dried up in the desert sun?
My heart is breaking for my sister and the con that she called "love"
But when I look into my nephew's eyes,
Man you wouldn't believe, the most amazing things, that can come from,
Some terrible nights, ah (oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa, oh oh)

Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa, oh oh
Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa, oh oh

The other night, you wouldn't believe the dream I just had about you and me
I called you up, but we'd both agree
It's for the best you didn't listen
It's for the best we get our distance, oh
It's for the best you didn't listen
It's for the best we get our distance, oh

Monday, August 20, 2012

Wife, kids, and a Boyfriend on the Side...

What's up everybody?  Hope all you guys have been enjoying the summer and taking the time for some good r&r.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about how I am going to live my life.  I've always wanted a wife and a house full of kids - four or five.  I tell myself that I can have a husband and all those kids, but something about it seems, well, unnatural to me.  I grew up with two great parents, a mother and a father and I wouldn't have had it any other way.... I know if it had been another way I wouldn't know the difference.  I feel like it could be unfair for kids to grow up without a mom and dad, I feel like it would be unfair for me not to have part in the happiness of two people making a child with both their genes.  I know I'm probably gonna get shit for these thoughts.

I'm considering, as one of my options, marrying a woman and living the life I've always wanted.  No I wouldn't marry a straight woman who has no idea and then it turns to shit years later.  I've heard of lesbians and gay men getting married to live what appears to be a normal straight life.  They develop real feelings for each other (love, most likely platonic), have kids, and have an open marriage.  Open marriages between straight, bisexual, and gay couples is nothing new or unheard of.  In my area I know of several married couples that are involved in wife-swaping, some were in my own family.  Except I'd want to be more discreet then they have haha.  For obvious reasons I wouldn't want my secret to get out and ruin my life.  Which leads me to my next thought...

Is living a life like that really worth it? I mean, there's the constant worry of people finding out, of either me or the woman I were to marry developing real feelings for the people we'd be sleeping with, and wanting out of the marriage.  It seems like a lot to worry about instead of just living a life true to who I am.

But, if I marry a man and have kids with him (through surrogacy) theres the contestant worry about is it right to raise kids without parents of both sexes.  It may be right for some people, but it may not be right for me.  Theres the worry of people saying things about how the kids deserve both a mother and father, the worry of bullying in school, and how the kids will deal mentally/emotionally seeing other kids grow up with both a mom and a dad.   I guess my husband and I could hire a kick ass nanny like my sister and I grew up with, we actually had two, and some of out best memories as kids were with them.  She would help raise the kids as a mother figure and give the guidance needed by kids from a woman.

I have to say, I like the second option best.  It allows me to own my life, to live it without living a lie.  I still don't have the answer though, its scary as fuck for me to think about my life.  Its crazy how easy straight people have it, not having to think about stuff like this.  I'm not saying every straight couple has it perfect, far from it, but if I were straight, I would know exactly how my life would be.  But I'm not, so I have options to think about and decisions to make.

I'd like to add that I do know gay parents and lesbian parents raise great kids and a 100% just as capable as straight couples, if not more so, because we have to really want kids and go through a lot to get them.  This post is just about me and my life, no one else's.

Well dudes, don't be afraid to tell me how you really feel.  Your opinions matter and I'm lookin forward to reading them!

Keep it real everybody (ironic considering the post hah)

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Update Time

Hey Everyone!

Alright dudes, I know it's been a looong ass time since I last blogged.  I've had a rough go at it over the past month and half and to be honest, life has been kinda boring with not much to write about.

Over the last 7 weeks I've had some ups and down and the downs were pretty damn bad.  In the beginning/middle of June I started a new medication to help with my depression and anxiety and it just didn't fucking work, in fact I think it helped make things worse.  I am not gonna blame what went on with me entirely on the meds, but I def think it contributed to my downward spiral.  I have dealt with depression and anxiety for a long time and there have been periods where life would get real bad for me or at least it felt that way.  None were as bad as the 3 weeks in June (except for the time right before I came out).  We've had prime weather here in New England and I spent a lot of it inside sleeping/being mad depressed.  I don't think I've ever felt more hopeless.  Luckily I had the meds changed and things are going a lot better now!  My anxiety, although still around, has been a million times better and I am able to manage the overwhelming thoughts in a much more rational way than I had before.  Needless to say I'm feeling pretty good and looking forward to feeling even better.

view of the beach in my town...this is what i live for

Through all this I managed to never miss a beat with my workouts and cardio and have been consistently losing pounds each week and gaining more muscle definition....feels mad good to be back on the right track again!!  I thought it would be real rough getting back into it all, and it has to an extent, but its been easy once I got into the routine for a while.  I just love the challenge of trying new workouts and different exercises.  Also with the prime weather I've started to spend more time running outdoors and enjoying the fresh air.  Living in the middle of horse country there's never a shortage of trails throughs hundreds acres of fields and woods, and I'm really big on being outdoors and enjoying nature so I feel this has helped a lot in getting me back to a healthily balanced mental and emotional state.  Also been working on some lax skills, haven't been working with an actual coach yet, but my personal trainers have me doing functional lacrosse workouts and I've been practicing catching/throwing/cradling in my backyard.

practicing cradling/throwing in the backyard w/ my dogs

went for a run and ended up at a practice polo match

In the past few weeks I've also been able to get together with some family and friends I haven't seen in a while and its gone well....went to a couple family get together and had a real solid time at both.  Usually I hate these things but with my decreased anxiety I'm def able to enjoy them more....also been getting mad compliments on how I'm looking and that feels great to hear.  It was rough to be at these parties without my mom there but I know in time it'll get better, its just the year of firsts which sucks but its something we have to work through cause I know my mom would want us to enjoy the get togethers and holidays.

One thing I really loove about where I live, is being on the ocean.  Any time we wanna be by the ocean theres so many beaches, restaurants, and bars directly on the water that my fam and friends can be enjoying some sick views harbor-side in a matter of less that 10 minutes.  And thats just what we've been doing.....

view from my seat at a rooftop restaurant and bar

Also went into Boston a few times.  Went in a couple weeks ago with some friends and my sister for dinner in the North End and then headed over to an old Boston favorite; The Fours.  When we left the sports bar we hit the streets and a massive thunder/lightning storm hit soaking the city with some crazy downpours.  It was pretty sick to be in the middle of it with all the intense lightening and thunder, and being soooo soaked that we just didn't give a fuck.

Bar @ The Fours in Boston

Aside from working part time for my dad's company, I've just chilled with my sister and friends.  I'm also taking classes to get my real estate license.  If theres one thing I know I will be sick at in life it is running a top real estate firm and enjoying the hell out of working my way to the top.  My family has some connections in real estate in Boston, NYC, and Chicago....I might take advantage of those, but on the other end of it, I think it would be more gratifying to work my way up instead of relying on others.  But who knows, I might change my mind with that one haha.  It just feels good to be doing things, to finally feel like I have some more direction in the my life.  I'm really trying to not look too far into the future and just focus on the here and now, not the what ifs.  Its hard, but now that I'm on new meds, a lot easier to manage.  

Take it easy dudes.


Saturday, June 2, 2012


Get ready, this is a long one....

For a while now I have been feeling like nothing in my life is real.  I feel as if I am in some dream that I'm about to wake up from.  Everything from playing with my dogs to writing this blog, going to therapy, and my mom being gone.  I couldn't understand why I was feeling this way and then in therapy the other day I finally realized it's because so much as changed in my life in the past 3-4 years and its all hitting me at once.

2008 - I was in my freshman year of college.  Summer after school was out, I lived in Maine at the house of my father's sister and her family.  I fucking loved it, pretty much just relaxed on the beach, went to great pubs and museums in Portland, hiked some of the coast and got mad close with my aunt and her family.  Meanwhile, back in Massachusetts my sister was enjoying the summer, partying with friends and doing her own thing after graduating from high school,.  My parents were on top of the world, genuinely happy and their marriage had never been better.

When summer ended I headed back to my school, the same school where my sister was starting her freshman year.  I didn't wanna be there, the friends I made during my first year had transferred and I wasn't too happy being stuck in the mountains of New England while other friends were closer to Boston and New York.  The day before I was suppose to start classes I withdrew without my parents knowing.  It was the first big decision I had ever made about my own life.  I had taken control of something that was in other hands for a long time.  I decided to take some time off, focus on myself and then head back to a school where I wanted to be.  I was gonna travel to Brazil, Greece, and Dubai with my dad's sister and work on some much needed self-improvement in my time off.

2009 - Winter break ended for my sister, we got closer while she was back and it seemed we were all in a good place again.  A week later I found our mother collapsed in the driveway.  Then came the news of her brain tumor.  My travel and self-improvement plans went to shit.  I was now helping take care of my mom when dad wasn't able to be at the house.  My sister was away at school and we all wanted her to focus on her studies.  There were times I resented this but looking back I wouldn't have spent my time any differently, I really liked getting to know my mom better.

The rest of the year was pretty low-key, didn't do too much because of everything going on at home.

2010 - Mom seemed to being doing better and we were all hopeful that maybe she would have some type of miracle, then we got the news that the tumor was growing the fuck could this be?  She hadn't seemed so much like herself since before the surgery!!  She started a new round of chemo and things were looking alright, but not as good as before.

Summer 2010 was prob one of the best summer's I've had, pretty much spent the entire summer hanging out with a few of my buddies and good friends, getting mad ripped everyday, having fires on the beach, being out on the ocean and just enjoying the fuck outta life.  When that summer ended I had this weird feeling that things were gonna change and that was probs the last time a lot of my friends would be around.  I was right.  When everyone headed back to school for fall semester of their junior and senior years I was back to the daily grind of working for my dad's company and helping take care of my mom, who was dying, but I didn't want to accept that.  I was also dealing with the whole gay thing, which I didn't want to accept either.

2011 - With these two huge things hanging over my head I didn't realize how much else was friends were moving away to other states and countries, how my family's relationship with my dad's sister was being strained, and how day-to-day life wasn't the same any more.  Nothing was simple like it used to be.

Summer 2011 hit and things were looking a little better.  A couple friends moved up from the South and we were all having a good time.  But, in August we got word that my mom's tumor was growing again and we could tell by her personality that things weren't good.  At the end of summer when all my friends went back to their lives I was left to deal with everything going on in my life.  I hit a low point in early September, I knew I was gay and I was trying hard to figure out any way to be more attracted to girls.  I finally came out to my dad and two hours later, left for Iceland.  When I came back all the shit started again; depression, panic attacks, anxiety, sleepless nights. etc....I came out to my sister, then my mom, then my sister's boyfriend, and then my dad's sister a month later.  I had also started therapy which, although I had been in the past, was completely new to me because I was there at my own will.

2012 -  News comes that mom prob only has a few months left, also that one of her brothers was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer and would probably die before my mother.  He did, and then a week and half later my mom died.  We then had to have Easter without them.  A couple month's later my sister graduated from college without her best friend, our mom, by her side.

In the past four years my family has gone from being the happiest we ever were to losing one of the most important parts of what made us so great - my mom.  I've seen my uncle die from a two month battle with cancer.  I went from having the best time with my friends to watching them all move away.  I've seen my family go from being real close to my dad's sister's family to having an okay relationship with them.  I went from being in denial about the gay thing to having the courage to coming out to part of my family.  I've seen my sister graduate from college.  And there's also the loss of a great relationship with my one of my grandmothers and now my family hardly sees her anymore, but can't get into that now....

And here I am, stuck back on square one.  I know acknowledging the gay thing is a big step in what I hope is the right direction, but I just didn't realize how much shit went along with it, feelings that I never knew I had when I was in denial.  I feel like everything around me has changed and I have no control.  Like I'm stuck in the middle of everyone, just standing here while everybody is rushing around me going places and doing things.  I feel lost and confused, tired, mentally/emotionally drained and I have no idea how or if/when I will get out of this.  I just don't know how things got to this point for my family..

Welp thats about it for now, hope things are good for all you dudes and that everyone is enjoying the summer weather!

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Election 2012

How's it going guys?

Thought I would do a quick post about something big in politics.  President Barack Obama has officially voiced his support for Marriage Equality!!!  This is huge dudes!!  He might just have this former Republican's vote! haha  Ideally I would be voting for Gov. Gary Johnson of New Mexico, his balance of conservative/liberal is right on imo, but we have to vote for the candidate that has the best chance to win and unfortunately Gov. Johnson isn't being given the attention he deserves..... 

Now, I'm not gonna pretend like I know the President's stance on all the issues, or that I would agree with them, because I know for sure that I don't on the fiscal side of things.  I also don't like the fact that I would pretty much be a 'one-issue voter'....  Buuttttt this could mean freedom.  Freedom that can't be bought or easily attained.  Imagine how sick it would be if marriage becomes legal for all of us across the USA!  

It's time.  I give the dude mad props for being on what I think is the right side of history!  Here's the link to the article in the WSJ:  Obama Says He Supports Gay Marriage 

Peace Homies and hope all is well with everyone

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Living the SWEETLIFE

Yoooo dudes

So this past weekend I hit up the Sweetlife Fest in Maryland, its a relatively new thing that started up a few years ago.  This year the line up was fucking incredible..........

On thursday a friend flew up from FL and on friday the two of us headed to the MA/CT line to pick up a two other friends to make the road trip down to Baltimore for the weekend.  On the way down we made a couple stops, one in Mount Kisco NY where my friends and I met this wicked friendly dude that worked at a pizza place, I was wearing a Bruins snapback and he was like "Yo, you wear that hat proud man!  The played their hearts out and just because they lost doesn't mean the fans should give up on them.  Good for you bro!"  I knew this trip was gonna be great, when a new yorker says that to a bostonian haha.  We made it Baltimore at around 8:30 to meet up with some friends for dinner in the Inner Harbor area and had a real good time catching up and just enjoying the scene.

Pratt Street Ale House, Baltimore

We left the city around 11:15 and headed to our hotel which was halfway between D.C. and Baltimore.  Hit the sack and woke up the next AM to set out for Sweetlifefest......this place was fuckin dope......copious amounts of booze and since my friends and I were VIP we had access to even better shit.  Not to mention there wasn't a person there who wasn't walking around with a joint or blunt in their hand.  The line up was unreal and I got to see some of my favorite bands perform.  It was so sick.  


Fun. started off the festival with some of their awesomeness with We Are Young, Some Nights and some other greats.  Went down to the pit for Fitz and the Tantrums who were sick.  And I'm a big fan of U.S. Royalty out of D.C.  their stuff's great imo and none of my friends really know them so it was great to just be in a crowd with all these other fans who just get it.

U.S. Royalty

After that show I hit up one of the bathrooms, needless to say they were fucking nasty as hell but hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go....not to mention the set up of this particular one was real weird, pretty sure I was pissing in a urinal that was practically in the middle of the room and their were tons of girls in there haha cause the line to their restrooms were mad they prolly got flashed some dick a few times lol butttt after that I headed out to meet up with my one of my buds and I saw the huge t-shirt stand so I decide to pick up a couple U.S. Royalty shirts and as I finish up paying I look to my right and the lead vocals dude is legit 10 feet from me!  So I go up to him and I'm like "Yo man, you guys are awesome, mind signing my shirt??"  He did and it was real solid to meet him and get his autograph!

After that I headed over to the VIP lounge to continue pumping my veins with gin and then saw The Shins and then it was time to settle in for KiD-fuckin-CuDi.....we some how managed to get sick seats 5 rows back from the pit despite the place being packed over capacity.  He made us wait a good 40 min before he came out, but oohhhhh dudes when he did it was maddd INSANE! he fuckin killed it!!!  It was so surreal to be there listen to all his songs that have inspired me, including the namesake of this blog; Soutrack 2 My Life, Up Up and Away, and Revofev.  I just felt like for a moment that I was connected with every single person around me in a higher way.  like we were all equal and just doin it together.  It was a mad cool feeling.

KiD CuDi

We ended up sharing some hits off our joints with the dudes around us and they were all super grateful.  Cudi continued on killing it song after song then he took his leave.  He said this show was exclusive and that he's not doing much right now so we all felt extra pumped cause of that.  After Cudi was Avicii and for some insane/stupid/momentary-lapse-in-judgement reason my friends and I didn't stay for that.  I wasn't too concerned with it at the time but then I saw the pics and videos online the next day and felt real bummed that we missed it.  But!!!  Avicii will be in Boston on June 15 and I fully plan on being there to watch him kill it in my favorite city!!  Man right now I am feelin goooood!

KiD CuDi

Met some real cool people that day and hope they all continue live the fucking Sweetlife all day every day!  It felt great to be a part of something again and to be having this un-fucking-real experience.  This is shit I've held myself back from in the past because of my anxiety and let me tell you guys, it didn't fucking exist this day and I felt more like me and more free than I ever have in my life.  My friends were wicked pumped that I did this and I was too.  I was for sure proud of myself and I knew more than anything that my mom was watching me, I really felt her.  I know she is proud of me for really starting to live....above all else, that's the greatest feeling.  For once, I owned a day of my life.

Very solid weekend.  Can't wait till SWEETLIFE FEST sister and her bf are gonna join my friends and I so it'll be real dope!

Welp, that's it for now dudes.  Keep it real!