Monday, August 20, 2012

Wife, kids, and a Boyfriend on the Side...

What's up everybody?  Hope all you guys have been enjoying the summer and taking the time for some good r&r.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about how I am going to live my life.  I've always wanted a wife and a house full of kids - four or five.  I tell myself that I can have a husband and all those kids, but something about it seems, well, unnatural to me.  I grew up with two great parents, a mother and a father and I wouldn't have had it any other way.... I know if it had been another way I wouldn't know the difference.  I feel like it could be unfair for kids to grow up without a mom and dad, I feel like it would be unfair for me not to have part in the happiness of two people making a child with both their genes.  I know I'm probably gonna get shit for these thoughts.

I'm considering, as one of my options, marrying a woman and living the life I've always wanted.  No I wouldn't marry a straight woman who has no idea and then it turns to shit years later.  I've heard of lesbians and gay men getting married to live what appears to be a normal straight life.  They develop real feelings for each other (love, most likely platonic), have kids, and have an open marriage.  Open marriages between straight, bisexual, and gay couples is nothing new or unheard of.  In my area I know of several married couples that are involved in wife-swaping, some were in my own family.  Except I'd want to be more discreet then they have haha.  For obvious reasons I wouldn't want my secret to get out and ruin my life.  Which leads me to my next thought...

Is living a life like that really worth it? I mean, there's the constant worry of people finding out, of either me or the woman I were to marry developing real feelings for the people we'd be sleeping with, and wanting out of the marriage.  It seems like a lot to worry about instead of just living a life true to who I am.

But, if I marry a man and have kids with him (through surrogacy) theres the contestant worry about is it right to raise kids without parents of both sexes.  It may be right for some people, but it may not be right for me.  Theres the worry of people saying things about how the kids deserve both a mother and father, the worry of bullying in school, and how the kids will deal mentally/emotionally seeing other kids grow up with both a mom and a dad.   I guess my husband and I could hire a kick ass nanny like my sister and I grew up with, we actually had two, and some of out best memories as kids were with them.  She would help raise the kids as a mother figure and give the guidance needed by kids from a woman.

I have to say, I like the second option best.  It allows me to own my life, to live it without living a lie.  I still don't have the answer though, its scary as fuck for me to think about my life.  Its crazy how easy straight people have it, not having to think about stuff like this.  I'm not saying every straight couple has it perfect, far from it, but if I were straight, I would know exactly how my life would be.  But I'm not, so I have options to think about and decisions to make.

I'd like to add that I do know gay parents and lesbian parents raise great kids and a 100% just as capable as straight couples, if not more so, because we have to really want kids and go through a lot to get them.  This post is just about me and my life, no one else's.

Well dudes, don't be afraid to tell me how you really feel.  Your opinions matter and I'm lookin forward to reading them!

Keep it real everybody (ironic considering the post hah)


  1. Hey man, here's a link to an article that fan of casey posted on my blog, you might find it interesting. It's about a gay couple raising 12 adopted kids!

    I share some of the same hang-ups as you, regarding the fairness of raising kids in a household where they are missing either a mother or father figure. I think most important is that the relationship of their parents is loving and the household is stable. Any drawbacks to lacking a mom in the household would hopefully be minimized by having other female role models in their lives (an aunt, a grandma, or a godmother perhaps?)

  2. Hey bud. I guess you already know my opinion as me and Stof are trying to adopt kids...

    Indeed living a lie is not the right way to have kids. How can you make your kids happy if you're not? So I wouldn't recommand the 'living together with a Lesbian woman' option nor other the like.

    About the possible bullying kids from gay parents could have to undergo, just think bullies always find a reason to bully a (weaker) child. Kids get bullied because their parents are pour, rich, black, fat, old or wathever, so is that a valid reason? Should all these people have no kids too then? If you're open about the 'situation' and learn them how to cope with bullies (being the smartest one) this doesn't have to be a big deal for the kids.

    And I don't think it's about having a woman and a man as parents, but having parents that can provide the 'so-called female' and 'so-called male' influence and care. My own mom actually 'played' more of a 'father-role' being the pushy and strict one who told us to have good grades etc. and my dad more the caring 'mother-role', so why could two men or woman not do the same? Also I second SCalRF that other women (family and friends) help providing the female role model.

    But, you still got time to sort that out... first discover the right love and enjoy your youth. Take care!

  3. scairf - thanks for the article dude! I know its probably just my anxiety getting the best of me, but I have a feeling that I'm gonna end up married (to a dude) with kids. Life's too short to live a lie and not be happy.

    Kevin - you made great points man, everything you said is legit. The fact is I want a real life, a life with someone I'm attracted to both physically and emotionally. I know things will all work out, but as I've said before (a million times haha) things are just kinda rough for me right now cause I'm still in the beginning stages of coming out.

  4. Hi. I discovered your blog a few months ago and check eagerly for new posts. I was going to write after the penultimate post when you were really down in the dumps, but never got to it, I'm afraid.

    On the subject of marriage and children, I am a form of expert, having "lived the lie" for more years than I care to think about. (I have fessed up know and am still married to my wife. But that is a story for another time.) having observed my own children and many others of "straight" couples, many now adults with children of their own, I am convinced that kids need role models and probably role models of both sexes. However, those role models don't have to be, and in many cases are, not parents or relatives. They can be teachers, youth leaders,
    Parents or older siblings of friends, and so on. A lot of finding a role model is dumb luck; otherwise why do some kids find good ones and others find rotten ones. And, further, a lot of people who think they are good parents and role models, turn out not to be.
    So would I have done it differently, had I grown up in an era when identifying oneself as gay was widely accepted? I would like to think I would have. Having done it the way I did has given me and my family a lot of angst.
    And whethe hetero- or homo-, having children should never be the principal reason to find a partner. If that is the overriding factor behind a coupling, emotional or physical, it is a recipe for disaster. Our procreative urges are very strong, but like the rest of our urges they need to be reined in.
    So, if I am entitled to give any advice at all, find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and then decide how children will fit into your life. If they don't, don't get rid of him. Everything has a trade off.

    You seem to be a smart fellow and you will figure out what is best for you. in the meantime, as you bump acrossthe ruts in the road of life, God speed!

  5. @ OBNS - thanks for taking the time to check out my blog and comment, preciate it man! I know deep down what is right for me, but sometimes I have freak outs because of my anxiety and this post is a result of that. I want to live a life that's true to who I am. Reading comments left by fellow bloggers, such as yourself, help get me to a better place mentally.