Thursday, March 29, 2012

On a New Track in Life

Hey guys!  How's everybody doing?

So lately I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety, stress, depression, sadness, basically just a whole bunch of stuff I don't wish on anyone.  I have made the decision to be on a new track and channel all of my emotions into bettering myself.  I want to be the best that I can be at whatever it is I do.  One issue I have is that I tend to think too far into the future, and too much about everything that is going on and/or creating [negative] situations in my mind that have't happened, and probably will not.  So my therapist suggested that I write down a maximum of two goals, possibly three.  The third being one for the horizon.  I decided to only write down two.  The second goal was starting to add more anxiety so I thought it best to just leave it at two things that are most important to me for living a better life.

Goal #1
To be Physically Fit and Healthy:

- Personal Training - Each week I will be working with two personal trainers, three times per week.  During these forty-five minute sessions I will be doing a variety to exercises including, flexibility, aerobic, and anaerobic exercises to work all parts of my body.  This will ensure that I will get a well balanced work-out.  On days that I am not working out at the gym I will be doing cardio on my own, at a level my trainers recommend.

- Change Eating Habits - Each day I will be making a conscious decision to eat healthier, lean foods that will contribute to my weight goals as well as my overall well-being.  To make better decisions as to what I am feeding my body, I will be meeting with one of my trainers, who is also a nutritionist, one additional time per week.  We will go over a food-log that I have started keeping as well as discussing healthy food and drink options.

- Sports - As I become more physically fit and feel healthier I will began to pick up sports that I once participated in, such as tennis and sailing.  In addition, I will be picking up lessons in squash and lacrosse. I will also be biking and hiking when time allows.

What I am hoping to achieve from this goal is an overall boost in confidence level, a clearer mind, and to have better control of my social anxiety.  I really believe that being physically fit and healthy goes beyond just having a good body, its about how you feel overall physically and mentally.  On that note, I def won't  be giving up all of my favorite foods.  A guys gotta enjoy life and who doesn't love a good steak or burrito every now and then?

Goal #2
Continue Education:

- College Visits - Once Goal #1 is well underway and I am experiencing heightened confidence levels, less social anxiety, and have a clearer head on my shoulders I will begin the process of revisiting, and ultimately applying to colleges that I feel will best suit my academic and social needs.

- Finish Remaining Three Years - After applying and hopefully being accepted into the schools of my choice I will choose a college that I know will fit my needs.  A place where I feel comfortable and welcomed.  I will work hard, choose a major based on passion, not need, and ultimately graduate.

- Grad School - This shouldn't be difficult as long as I work to the best of my ability.

Alright, there they are.  It is now or never and the decision is NOW!  After the past three years of taking care of my mother, three years I wouldn't trade for anything in the world, I now what to live my life and finally do me.  It's what I want and it is want my mom wanted.  I am also hoping to be doing more traveling this year, for those who haven't traveled, it can be an awesome way to boost confidence and gain a real sense of independence.  That's it for today.


Monday, March 26, 2012


So kind of off topic, but also part of my new "start to enjoy life, build confidence, and finally live" outlook I think I'm gonna be hitting up The Sweetlife Festival for Music and Food in Maryland this April....this looks soo sick!  Gonna try and get some friends to together and road trip it down for the weekend.

Check out the website Sweetlife Festival

If anyone's gone leave a comment and share your experience.

Friday, March 23, 2012

New Username, Same Guy, Same Blog

Title pretty much explains it all.  Transferred ownership of blog to a new account I created.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Anxiety attacks fucking blow

So I mentioned in my first post that I deal with anxiety/panic attacks.  Lately I've been dealing with them on the reg and it sucks, big time.  I haven't had them since I came out to my family - they seemed to stop so I thought all was good.  Well, I was wrong.  This past week they've decided to post up in my life for who knows how long.

What are these about lately?  I'm a dude and I enjoy being a dude, but I don't always feel like one of the guys, actually I feel like this a lot of time and have for a while.  It blows.  I feel like a little kid who doesn't have a place/crowd to fit in to.  I am 23 years old and I feel like a little kid!?  Whatsup with that?  This isn't how I saw my life at this point and I'm sick of dealing with this.  I feel almost intimidated by other guys like I don't measure up, even when I'm around younger cousins, I feel like they're better at being men than I am.  I'm not sure why I feel like this, but I do - maybe it's because I'm gay, maybe not.  Nonetheless, it really fucking sucks.

I'm just unsure of where I fit in.  I like hanging out with my buds, but sometimes I'm at a loss for words.  I just don't always know what to talk about with them.  I'm sick of faking that I like pussy and having to give excuses of why I don't just hook up with a chick when she throws herself at me, doesn't happen too often, (mainly cause I hardly go out anymore) but when it does it feels mad awkward.  Another thing, I'm into sports, but not nearly as much as other guys.  I keep up with the currents, especially when it comes to the Bruins, but when it comes to the individual players and their stats I tend to be at a loss.  I guess Id rather be playing a sport than observing.  Not that there isn't more to talk about, cause there's a lot more....I'm not sure of how to bring any of it up though.  It's almost like taking a big exam, I kinda freeze up and don't know what to do or say.  I just wanna feel like a normal guy, make good convo with other guys and not feel like there's a wall up.

I feel lame for evening talking about this, but hey here it is.  What's funny is that people always comment on the "natural confidence" that I have or how I have it "all together"....if they only knew what is going on inside.

I'm prob over thinking all of this, something I'm mad good at, but its still something I'm dealing with, something that is very real for me, and for sure something I want to be done with.  I don't know how to change it, ANY ADVICE is welcome.

Here's the song Soundtrack 2 My Life by KiD CuDi that inspired the name of my blog and one that I feel I can kind of relate to:

Peace Homeys

Saturday, March 10, 2012

A Life Well Lived

Here's an update....

About a couple of weeks ago my mom died.  She put up an incredible fight against a cancer that is unlike any other.  She had more grace, courage, and strength than most people in this world.  I'm not saying this because I am her son or because it seems like it's the kind of thing one should say in these situations.  I am saying this because it is true.  She never once asked "Why me?".  When my father said to her that he could not understand why this was happening to us of all people, she simply replied with "Why not us?  No one is exempt."  She still continued to worry more about my father, sister, and I and other family members rather than her own-self.

When the end of her journey came closer and closer she could no longer walk, then when she started to lose her speech she could still mutter "I Love You" to those dearest to her.  When her speech was gone she communicated in weakened hand squeezes when questions were asked.  My mother started to decline rapidly when the news came of the death of one of her brothers who died after a seven week battle with pancreatic cancer.  She was able to make it to the first half of his services and the day of the funeral she was unable to attend.  That night was the last night she could speak and carry a conversation, albeit quietly.  I still can't believe how incredibly FUCKED UP the past month has been for my family!

On a somewhat more positive note....the last night my mother was able to speak, the night of my uncles funeral, I went to her room and asked to sit with her alone.  When I sat next to her bed I balled my eyes out while she lay there and told her how much I love her and how much I am going to miss her and miss taking care of her.  We had a good conversation, me pretty much crying the whole time as she reassured me that all will be okay.  We talked about things in the future that I wish she could be there for and how much I will miss her at those life events and she said to me "Honey, I will be there.  I just won't be there in body."  There was more that we talked about, but the last words she said to me were "I am proud of you and I love you."  What more could a son want from one of his parent as they lay on their deathbed?

I told her I love her and kissed her on the cheek then went to bed for the night. The next morning she could hardly muster full words.  After that great talk, however, I felt at peace.  I knew that she would be alright and that we will be as well, all it takes is time.  I felt so sad for her laying in that bed.  She died about a week after we had our talk.  She died in my father's arms.

When it came time for her services a week after her death, my father, sister and I were blown away.  We know how loved and well-respected our family is, but had no idea that we would have such a large turnout of people.  We knew it would be big, but when we saw just how many people care about my mother and us as a family we were overwhelmed.  The undertaker said it was the largest funeral he has ever seen.  People flew in from other parts of the country and stood in the pouring rain for hours to pay their respects once they were able to get inside the Funeral Home.  What an incredible feeling to know that my mother and my family has had this kind of impact on others.  It was a humbling experience for sure.  I am so grateful for those that came out in support of my family to honor an unbelievable woman.

The day of her funeral my sister and I received something unexpected.  In front of the entire church my father somehow gained composure and read two letters my mother had written before she died.  One to me and the other to my sister.  They were to be read, at her request, by my father while we were in church surrounded by so much love.  I don't cry in public, I don't cry in front of anyone who is not a member of my immediate family.  Ever.   That day I balled my eyes out as my sister and I were wrapped in each other's arms as we listened to the amazing words she had written.  I will be forever grateful for that gift she gave us both.

My mother said she wanted her services to be a celebration of her life.  So everyone came dressed in the colors they knew she loved to wear in the summer, her favorite time of year.  There was crying but there was def a lot of laughing as well.  I know she was looking down and smiling.

What has my family learned from this?  What positives have we taken from a negative?  Well, we know to tell each other "I Love You" more, even if its at the most random time.  We know to say what we need to say.  We know to laugh more, to not take everything in life so damn seriously, and most importantly, to try and make this world a better place.  "Where there's a Will, there's a Way" she used to say and you know what?  There always is someway for everything to work out just as it should, and hopefully for the better.

So today I ask you all to take a moment and let the people you love in your life know just how much you mean to them.  Make their day by doing something for them, whether it be writing them a note or just saying "I Love You" or anything at all you feel they would appreciate.  We never know when life is going to change for the better or for the worse, might as well leave no doors closed and no stones unturned, especially with those we care about.  I'll post more about my mother, but for now this is all I have to say.

I'll leave you with a few words that my family has adopted from the British Government (used in the 1930s-40s) during these times - Keep Calm and Carry On.