Thursday, January 26, 2012

Coming out to my family

What's up guys?  Hope all is well with all of you.  I thought I would make my 2nd post about my coming out experience with my family.  This is part 1 of 3, part 2 will come soon.

So, first I came out to my dad.  It was mid September and I had hit an all time low, lower than I've ever been.  I knew I couldn't go on like that, especially since I was leaving for europe and I def wouldn't have enjoyed my trip if I didn't talk to someone about my not-so-little secret.

My father has always been my best friend, since I was a kid.  I remember tons of times tossing a baseball back and forth in the yard, kicking a soccer ball around, roughhousing, being at the beach, spending summers in Maine and having an all around great time with the guy.  He's also a pretty artsy dude so I get a lot of my creativity from him.  I've always dealt with depression since high school, but I kept a lot of it pretty well hidden and no one really knew how bad it was until it came out in full force before my trip.  For those two weeks before I left my dad knew something was up.

These two weeks coincided with the time that my best friend left to move back to her parents house.  She moved to NE for the summer to be with my family, she was one of the only girls I've ever been attracted to sexually and emotionally and I knew that when she left it was never going to happen.  My family thought my depression and anger were because she left, but there was obvs a lot more going on.... I told my dad that I'm gay two hours before I left for the airport.  I asked him to go for a drive with me, and after about 15 minutes in the car, I just told him.  He was totally chill about it, one of his best friends from childhood is gay, so he has no problems with it whatsoever.  When I asked if anyone had ever second-guessed my sexuality he said never.  That was a big relief, because I want people to judge me for me, not because I'm gay.

He was, however, pretty upset when I told him about all the sleepless nights spent having panic attacks, crying, and praying that God would just take my life so I wouldn't have to deal with this.  I asked him not to tell my mom or sister, that I had to do it when I was ready and he respected that.  We talked for a while about my voice, actions, and looks and he assured me that I am all man, deep voice, looks, etc.  He's not the type of guy to bullshit so I knew what he was saying is truth.  I think I am just dealing with the fact that to be gay doesn't mean that one acts feminine, has a lisp, and limp wrists.  There isn't anything wrong with this, if that's who you are. But, that just isn't me.  I still deal with these thoughts on the reg and I know its just because this is all really fresh to me.

Like my therapist said "just because you're gay doesn't mean that you have to turn in your masculinity".

So with all that, I left, my trip was beyond sick.  It turned out to be a good break from all the shit I was dealing with, that started up all over again once I was back in the states.  Next I had to come out to my sister.... when, I didn't know, but knew it had to be soon.  She's a voice of reason and I know that she, more than anyone, will always tell me how it really is.  Coming out to her was by far one of the best nights of my life, but more on that in part 2.

For now - keep on, keeping on.  Later dudes

Monday, January 23, 2012

First Post

Not sure how to really start this, so I'm just gonna jump right in - its gonna be long but stick with it, hopefully it'll be worth your time...

For years I've tried to convince myself that this was a phase, that gay people were disgusting and I def was not one of them. At the end of September I hit an all time low and decided I would tell my best friend, the guy the gets me more than anyone, my dad. His response was what I knew it would be - he couldn't have been happier. See, my dad doesn't care about shit like this, no one in my family does, except me. I decided that telling him was good enough for the time being, the day I told him was also the day I left for Europe. I was actually able to enjoy this trip, that I had considered canceling because I was too fucking depressed and anxious. Good thing I decided to go cause the trip was life changing.

Turns out the country I was visiting is super gay friendly and a pretty sick place to be. People are just people there, everyone's different and everyone respects one another for his/her differences. I saw how the rest of the world should be...

So here I am, a 23 year old masculine gay guy living in New England trying to get through life as a gay man. I have just come to accept this fact and I am trying to power through all the emotion, anxiety, and panic attacks that go along with this new stage in my life. So far, I've lived life as a "straight" dude and have done a pretty good job at fooling the people in my life, not that I've tried - always been myself except the gay thing. It took about 8 years of struggling to figure everything out and for about 1.5 years now have known that this is part of who I am.  After reading through some blogs I finally stumbled upon Through the eyes of a masculine gay guy and My double Life. These dudes gave me the courage to admit to myself that it is okay to be masculine and be gay. It's a mad good feeling to not feel so alone anymore!

 I was a pretty shy kid who was afraid to be outgoing or have a good time. Over the years people would comment on how great of a guy I am, whether it be my talents, my looks, or my intelligence, I don't believe anyone and still have a hard time buying the truth.  I have a hard time seeing past my sexuality.  I'm just a guy, a human being and there's a lot more to me then being gay.  My main goal is for this not to become bigger than me, what makes me who I am is so much more, I just wish I could see that.  I am lucky to have grown up in a great family who has always supported gay rights, they view us as normal people (kind of like just liking a different flavor of ice cream haha - they're wicked chill about it).

When I came out to my dad he said that no one in our family has ever questioned my sexuality which was a big relief to me because for years I thought everyone was talking behind my back.  It was a huge relief to come out to him.

I've made the decision to start counseling so I can gain more confidence to accept this part of my life and come out to close friends and family. So far I am out to my father, mother, sister, her boyfriend, and my father's sister. It feels mad good but I still have a long road ahead of me, but at least I've taken this first step.

Anyway, I'm gonna keep this blog anonymous for the time being. Hope everyone likes what they read here. Later dudes