Tuesday, April 24, 2012


Sup?  Sup, dudes?
So, politics, huh?  That's whack.  Politics are whack.  Sup with the whack politics, sup?

Hahaha alright well I hope all you guys got that "Friends" reference!  Don't we all love to hear about this topic.  Politics have always been fucked up and sadly it seems that this isn't changing, but getting worse.

First let me tell you all a little of where I'm coming from.  One year ago I was a Republican, like the rest of my family members, however they are all very socially liberal whereas I was very socially conservative.  I thought that if I went that way then I could make the gay go away.  I was 100% for "traditional marriages"  nooo way in hell did I think two people of the same gender should be allowed to be married.  "God made Adam and Eve, NOT, Adam and Steve".  Yeah I said that once...major facepalm.  I thought gay was a choice and that if I supported enough of the efforts against the LGBT community, I could help make all gay people go away.  Well that blew up in my face big time haha.  I can't believe that used to be my thought process.  It makes me wonder about all these politicians that share my old views......

Obviously there was a lot of self-loathing going on and I thought if I could "get rid of"  all the gay people then it wouldn't exist in myself.  I'm ashamed that I used to have this mindset but for sure am glad that its long gone!

My family is fiscally conservative but have always been socially liberal which puts us more in the Libertarian category.  We've only voted more on the Republican side for financial reasons.  Yes, we helped put Bush and Cheney in office.  I apologize on behalf of my family members hahaha.  I was dead set against Obama getting into office, but I see now what he has done and will continue to do for gay people, for me for that matter.  I still don't agree with some of his views on the fiscal front, but hell, he can take all of my money as long as he gives me my freedom.  Freedom to have equal rights in marriage and whatever the hell else straight people have that we don't.  I've gained a lot of respect for President Obama over the past year.  I sure hope he gets into office in the 2012 election and to be honest, I'm scared he won't.  Mad scared that Mitt Romney will get in and fuck everything up.

I just can't believe that we claim to be the land of freedom, the greatest country on earth, yet we can't even achieve equal rights for all of our population.  Doing a good old Google search I've found that Canada, Iceland, Spain, Argentina, South Africa, Sweden, Norway, Portugal, the Netherlands, and Belgium all have marriage equality.  So why not the United States?  I stumbled upon this article and always go back to it, just think its awesome and really drives home how mad ridiculous some American people are being.  Dear America: You Have a Gay Problem  ....Hope you guys enjoy the read, it's a realistic and intelligent approach to such a hot-button topic.

Later dudes!

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Some Positive stuff

One thing that really gets to me about being gay is the lack of mainstream visuals of romance/love between same-sex couples.  It seems that a lot of the media attention focuses on gay people that are either the supporting, stereotypically gay character on a tv show or on the news for equality issues.  Where's a young gay guy like myself to find examples of what love is between two men?  I sure did't have any growing up.

Back in September/October when I came out to my family I decided to google things like marriage equality, gay love, etc.  I came across these two videos that I watch every now and then to keep myself reminded that loving another dude in a romantic way is possible and that it'll hopefully happen for me someday 

I really like these vids.   Both equally powerful in their own ways.

Really like this one cause it shows somethings I've never really seen before - romantic love between two men.  Feel like it will all be okay when I see something like this.  Plus the dude waiting at the alter is mad hot!

This is another great vid

Feel like I can relate to this guy, especially the scene with his mom on her death bed.  Just hits home.  I think it's time.

Welp, hope you guys enjoyed those as much as I do.  That's about it for today.  Keep it real everybody.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Summer comes early

Yooo dudes!

This past weekend I celebrated Easter with my family.  The weather was beautiful and the food came out pretty damn close if not exact to how my mom used to do it all!  We were pretty proud of ourselves and enjoyed a good day with close family.  It was def weird without my mom there but, it wasn't this big gaping hole like we thought it would be....it really felt like she was with us, hard to explain, but it just did.

I had a couple shitty moments with two family members.  Nothing to significant to talk about though, just stupid bullshit with stupid people.  I'm really over tolerating people because they're family and I don't want to put the time or energy into it anymore.

On a more positive note, because of Patriots Day a few of my friends were home for the long weekend so I was able to chill with them and enjoy some great summer weather.  Monday was a pretty solid day overall and it really had me missing the good old times.  Fuck I sound like my parents.  When did just hanging out and doing whatever with my friends become the "good old times"  We're in our early 20s, we're not 50!  So yesterday AM I picked up my friend J, she's pretty cool and haven't seen her in a couple months so it was great to hang out, we headed to D's place to pick him up and wait for our friend C who was driving in from her place out of town.  We piled in my car, packed a few bowls and went for a good old fashioned burn ride.  The weather in my town was high 80s and clear and it felt sooo good. I love summer weather!  We just smoked and drove/walked around, grabbed lunch at a restaurant with a deck on the ocean and then headed to the beach for a bit before heading back to D's so he could leave to get back to his school.

It was a pretty lax day and nothing special happened it was just good to chill with a few friends and have some laughs.  I forgot though how being the in sun all and being high on top of that can really wipe the shit outta you.

I love smoking weed.  I will freely admit that to anyone who asks.  Smoking used to help calm my anxiety but then there was this turning point this past September when my mom's health was getting worse and when I realized no matter how much I tried, I would never be straight.  I've slowly started to introduce it back into my body this weekend, but only when I knew I'd be productive and when I'd be with some good people.  Yesterday was attempt 2, attempt 1 was saturday night when it was just D and I hanging out at a local bar watching the Bruin's game.  Both times were fine, with the exception of the tail end of today's high when I was coming down.

Felt mad tired on the drive back to my house and started getting some anxiety about the whole gay thing.  It stills feels surreal to me that I'm gay and that I'm going to be fully out someday.  It scares the shit out of me.  Just the thoughts of bringing a boyfriend to family parties and then having a husband someday while all my dude cousins will have wives.  I feel so raw and vulnerable all the time.  I know these thoughts creeped in cause of the weed but I honestly don't regret smoking yesterday.  For a few hours it felt like the old times and I really needed that. I've given it up for some time now cause of everything with my mom and everything with me coming out.  Just makes the anxiety a lot worse, so I cut it out.  I'm definitely not going to be smoking like I used to, that would be nice, but it's just not for me at this point.

But, going back to the anxiety.  There are times where I legit am fine with the gay thing and actually think its cool that I'm a dude into dudes haha, but most of the time I just stress out about it all.  I honestly can't see myself in a relationship.  I don't know how to let people into my life, even my closest friends are kept at arm's length some of the time.  I'm a private guy and very guarded and trust is HUGE with me.  It takes A LOT for me to trust someone and I mean A LOT!  I just can't see myself letting some dude in that I haven't known for a decent amount of time.  How do I do that?  I like when things happen naturally, in a go-with-the-flow kind of way.  I hope that happens for me.  I just don't see how it will.....

I feel like my mind is never at ease, like its constantly moving from thought to thought to thought, and this is when I'm 100% sober!  Every other dude I see looks so chill and without problems.  I'm wicked envious of these guys and if they're with some hot chick, well then, I'm downright miserable.  I want to be one of them.  I want to just live in the moment like they seem to be.  I look at pictures from over the years and I hate it cause they remind me of how I've never been just in that moment and happy.  I look at pictures with my sister in them and she always looks happy and in the moment, without any thoughts other than what is happening right then.  My sister only lives in the moment, she really does just like my mom.  She doesn't care about what just happened or whats going to happen she just enjoys life without a whole lot of worry and I'm not sure that I will ever be so lucky.

It was a good day that ended up not-so-great, but today I'm feeling alright.  Just want everything to get better and better so that I'll be able to live the life I want someday.

Here's another favorite Cudi song that came up on my friends playlist yesterday when driving around.  Have a listen, it's def worth your time.

KiD CuDi - Up Up and Away

Want to have his attitude:

I'll be up up and away
Up up and away
Cause they gon' judge me anyway so whatever
I'll be up up and away
Up up and away
Cause in the end they'll judge me anyway so whatever

Also, I'm open to Q&A so if any of you guys would like to ask a question and receive an answer, just ask away in the comments section below!  Don't hold back, I'm open to answering pretty much anything.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Long time no post

What's up dudes?

Hope everyone had a good Easter weekend with their families and for any Jewish readers I wish you all a happy Passover!  While most Christians celebrated their Easter this past Sunday, I however will have Easter with my family this upcoming Sunday the 15th.  Why?  Well, my family happens to be part Greek and we've always celebrated Easter according to the Orthodox calendar.  The church services are pretty elaborate and for sure some of the most beautiful around.  But, I have decided not to attend any this year and don't know that I'll be going back, well, ever.

In this whole coming out process, I found out that the Greek Orthodox religion is not exactly gay-friendly.  In fact, I found out since I am gay I cannot take communion because it will "harm me" rather than "help me".  Now this, technically, only applies to gays who are fully out or act on their sexuality.  I still don't feel it's right for me to take  communion or go to church services when I know the church's views towards homosexuality.  I just can't bring myself to go.  I feel like shit cause it's part of how I grew up and I really do like going to the Easter services.  Also, it's mad difficult to try and explain to extended family why I'm not going to church any more.  It's not that I'm following the church's orders with their beliefs about LGBT people.... I just can't support a place that discriminates like that.  They're a private institution so I understand it's their right and I'm not telling them to change it, but it would be great.

Anyway,  this Easter will be really rough for me and my family.  It'll be the first holiday without my mom and we're already having a tough time.  Mom did everything for this holiday, it was her favorite.  She did all the cooking and baking with my dad, sister, and I, and no help.  She really got us into everything.  We've had to get my mom's best friend in on the prep.  She happens to be one of my favorite family members and my dad's 1st cousin.  She's been great throughout my moms whole illness and death and for sure I don't know what my family would do without her and her husband.  Her husbands the shit and just the best guy you could meet.  So its been awesome to have them help out with the holiday traditions.  Mom never wanted a cook to help with her holiday because she said the love wasn't there like it is when everyone pitches in and gets the job done together.  So far all the prep has been going well, just kinda emotional for everyone....especially my father.

Every year for Easter and Thanksgiving we have the same people for dinner.  We have my dad's sister's family, there are 5 of them.  My dad's first cousin's (the one thats been helping us out) family, there are 4 of them. And then my family, now there's just 3 of us plus my sister's bf is going to be joining for the first time.  So dinner is pretty small and thats how we like it, but it'll be wicked off this year cause on top of my mom not being here, my dad has given my sister and I the heads of the table.  That's where mom and dad always sat and it just feels like its too early to be taking their spots at the dinner table.  But, hey, thats what dad wants so we'll give it to him.  We have about 30-50 people coming for dessert depending on who is in from out of state and what other family members have things going on at their houses.

It'll be great to see everyone again.  We don't get enough time to catch up throughout the year and my 1st cousin is flying in from NYC with his gf to come for the weekend.  He's like an older bro to me, our personalities are pretty similar so we have a great time driving the whole family crazy with our sarcasm and dry humor haha.  It's always good to catch up with him and just hang out.  There'll be a few other cousins that I'm looking forward to seeing.  I have kind of distanced myself from them cause of the whole gay/anxiety thing.  But they're chill dudes and I grew up pretty tight with them so I'm gonna try to make up for some lost time starting this weekend.  As for everyone else, I can't wait to see them all, especially the ones that are stress free and chill....you know the ones, we all have those few family members that are actually pretty cool and don't drive us fucking nuts like the rest! hah

Welp, I think thats it for now.  Gonna try to post more but to be honest my life hasn't been that interesting lately.

Take it easy guys!

PS.  Thought I would include this vid cause I think it's mad powerful and it gave me chills to hear.  It's simple but speaks volumes.  It goes hand in hand with my 1st and 2nd paragraphs.

Give mad props to this guy.  He's stands up for what he believes and he'll go down in the book as being on the right side of history.  If only more people took his view.....