This past weekend I celebrated Easter with my family. The weather was beautiful and the food came out pretty damn close if not exact to how my mom used to do it all! We were pretty proud of ourselves and enjoyed a good day with close family. It was def weird without my mom there but, it wasn't this big gaping hole like we thought it would be....it really felt like she was with us, hard to explain, but it just did.
I had a couple shitty moments with two family members. Nothing to significant to talk about though, just stupid bullshit with stupid people. I'm really over tolerating people because they're family and I don't want to put the time or energy into it anymore.
On a more positive note, because of Patriots Day a few of my friends were home for the long weekend so I was able to chill with them and enjoy some great summer weather. Monday was a pretty solid day overall and it really had me missing the good old times. Fuck I sound like my parents. When did just hanging out and doing whatever with my friends become the "good old times" We're in our early 20s, we're not 50! So yesterday AM I picked up my friend J, she's pretty cool and haven't seen her in a couple months so it was great to hang out, we headed to D's place to pick him up and wait for our friend C who was driving in from her place out of town. We piled in my car, packed a few bowls and went for a good old fashioned burn ride. The weather in my town was high 80s and clear and it felt sooo good. I love summer weather! We just smoked and drove/walked around, grabbed lunch at a restaurant with a deck on the ocean and then headed to the beach for a bit before heading back to D's so he could leave to get back to his school.
It was a pretty lax day and nothing special happened it was just good to chill with a few friends and have some laughs. I forgot though how being the in sun all and being high on top of that can really wipe the shit outta you.
I love smoking weed. I will freely admit that to anyone who asks. Smoking used to help calm my anxiety but then there was this turning point this past September when my mom's health was getting worse and when I realized no matter how much I tried, I would never be straight. I've slowly started to introduce it back into my body this weekend, but only when I knew I'd be productive and when I'd be with some good people. Yesterday was attempt 2, attempt 1 was saturday night when it was just D and I hanging out at a local bar watching the Bruin's game. Both times were fine, with the exception of the tail end of today's high when I was coming down.
Felt mad tired on the drive back to my house and started getting some anxiety about the whole gay thing. It stills feels surreal to me that I'm gay and that I'm going to be fully out someday. It scares the shit out of me. Just the thoughts of bringing a boyfriend to family parties and then having a husband someday while all my dude cousins will have wives. I feel so raw and vulnerable all the time. I know these thoughts creeped in cause of the weed but I honestly don't regret smoking yesterday. For a few hours it felt like the old times and I really needed that. I've given it up for some time now cause of everything with my mom and everything with me coming out. Just makes the anxiety a lot worse, so I cut it out. I'm definitely not going to be smoking like I used to, that would be nice, but it's just not for me at this point.
But, going back to the anxiety. There are times where I legit am fine with the gay thing and actually think its cool that I'm a dude into dudes haha, but most of the time I just stress out about it all. I honestly can't see myself in a relationship. I don't know how to let people into my life, even my closest friends are kept at arm's length some of the time. I'm a private guy and very guarded and trust is HUGE with me. It takes A LOT for me to trust someone and I mean A LOT! I just can't see myself letting some dude in that I haven't known for a decent amount of time. How do I do that? I like when things happen naturally, in a go-with-the-flow kind of way. I hope that happens for me. I just don't see how it will.....
I feel like my mind is never at ease, like its constantly moving from thought to thought to thought, and this is when I'm 100% sober! Every other dude I see looks so chill and without problems. I'm wicked envious of these guys and if they're with some hot chick, well then, I'm downright miserable. I want to be one of them. I want to just live in the moment like they seem to be. I look at pictures from over the years and I hate it cause they remind me of how I've never been just in that moment and happy. I look at pictures with my sister in them and she always looks happy and in the moment, without any thoughts other than what is happening right then. My sister only lives in the moment, she really does just like my mom. She doesn't care about what just happened or whats going to happen she just enjoys life without a whole lot of worry and I'm not sure that I will ever be so lucky.
It was a good day that ended up not-so-great, but today I'm feeling alright. Just want everything to get better and better so that I'll be able to live the life I want someday.
Here's another favorite Cudi song that came up on my friends playlist yesterday when driving around. Have a listen, it's def worth your time.
KiD CuDi - Up Up and Away
Want to have his attitude:
I'll be up up and away
Up up and away
Cause they gon' judge me anyway so whatever
I'll be up up and away
Up up and away
Cause in the end they'll judge me anyway so whatever
Also, I'm open to Q&A so if any of you guys would like to ask a question and receive an answer, just ask away in the comments section below! Don't hold back, I'm open to answering pretty much anything.