Monday, January 23, 2012

First Post

Not sure how to really start this, so I'm just gonna jump right in - its gonna be long but stick with it, hopefully it'll be worth your time...

For years I've tried to convince myself that this was a phase, that gay people were disgusting and I def was not one of them. At the end of September I hit an all time low and decided I would tell my best friend, the guy the gets me more than anyone, my dad. His response was what I knew it would be - he couldn't have been happier. See, my dad doesn't care about shit like this, no one in my family does, except me. I decided that telling him was good enough for the time being, the day I told him was also the day I left for Europe. I was actually able to enjoy this trip, that I had considered canceling because I was too fucking depressed and anxious. Good thing I decided to go cause the trip was life changing.

Turns out the country I was visiting is super gay friendly and a pretty sick place to be. People are just people there, everyone's different and everyone respects one another for his/her differences. I saw how the rest of the world should be...

So here I am, a 23 year old masculine gay guy living in New England trying to get through life as a gay man. I have just come to accept this fact and I am trying to power through all the emotion, anxiety, and panic attacks that go along with this new stage in my life. So far, I've lived life as a "straight" dude and have done a pretty good job at fooling the people in my life, not that I've tried - always been myself except the gay thing. It took about 8 years of struggling to figure everything out and for about 1.5 years now have known that this is part of who I am.  After reading through some blogs I finally stumbled upon Through the eyes of a masculine gay guy and My double Life. These dudes gave me the courage to admit to myself that it is okay to be masculine and be gay. It's a mad good feeling to not feel so alone anymore!

 I was a pretty shy kid who was afraid to be outgoing or have a good time. Over the years people would comment on how great of a guy I am, whether it be my talents, my looks, or my intelligence, I don't believe anyone and still have a hard time buying the truth.  I have a hard time seeing past my sexuality.  I'm just a guy, a human being and there's a lot more to me then being gay.  My main goal is for this not to become bigger than me, what makes me who I am is so much more, I just wish I could see that.  I am lucky to have grown up in a great family who has always supported gay rights, they view us as normal people (kind of like just liking a different flavor of ice cream haha - they're wicked chill about it).

When I came out to my dad he said that no one in our family has ever questioned my sexuality which was a big relief to me because for years I thought everyone was talking behind my back.  It was a huge relief to come out to him.

I've made the decision to start counseling so I can gain more confidence to accept this part of my life and come out to close friends and family. So far I am out to my father, mother, sister, her boyfriend, and my father's sister. It feels mad good but I still have a long road ahead of me, but at least I've taken this first step.

Anyway, I'm gonna keep this blog anonymous for the time being. Hope everyone likes what they read here. Later dudes


  1. Hey man, just found your blog via Kevin at "Out - Yet not so proud." A lot of what you've written here really resonates. Welcome to the blogosphere, I hope you find it helpful! Drop me a line anytime.

  2. Thanks man! Will do. Hope you enjoy what I'm writing, I'm definitely finding it helpful....pretty awesome to be able to relate to other dudes out there!