What's up guys? Hope all is well with all of you. I thought I would make my 2nd post about my coming out experience with my family. This is part 1 of 3, part 2 will come soon.
So, first I came out to my dad. It was mid September and I had hit an all time low, lower than I've ever been. I knew I couldn't go on like that, especially since I was leaving for europe and I def wouldn't have enjoyed my trip if I didn't talk to someone about my not-so-little secret.
My father has always been my best friend, since I was a kid. I remember tons of times tossing a baseball back and forth in the yard, kicking a soccer ball around, roughhousing, being at the beach, spending summers in Maine and having an all around great time with the guy. He's also a pretty artsy dude so I get a lot of my creativity from him. I've always dealt with depression since high school, but I kept a lot of it pretty well hidden and no one really knew how bad it was until it came out in full force before my trip. For those two weeks before I left my dad knew something was up.
These two weeks coincided with the time that my best friend left to move back to her parents house. She moved to NE for the summer to be with my family, she was one of the only girls I've ever been attracted to sexually and emotionally and I knew that when she left it was never going to happen. My family thought my depression and anger were because she left, but there was obvs a lot more going on.... I told my dad that I'm gay two hours before I left for the airport. I asked him to go for a drive with me, and after about 15 minutes in the car, I just told him. He was totally chill about it, one of his best friends from childhood is gay, so he has no problems with it whatsoever. When I asked if anyone had ever second-guessed my sexuality he said never. That was a big relief, because I want people to judge me for me, not because I'm gay.
He was, however, pretty upset when I told him about all the sleepless nights spent having panic attacks, crying, and praying that God would just take my life so I wouldn't have to deal with this. I asked him not to tell my mom or sister, that I had to do it when I was ready and he respected that. We talked for a while about my voice, actions, and looks and he assured me that I am all man, deep voice, looks, etc. He's not the type of guy to bullshit so I knew what he was saying is truth. I think I am just dealing with the fact that to be gay doesn't mean that one acts feminine, has a lisp, and limp wrists. There isn't anything wrong with this, if that's who you are. But, that just isn't me. I still deal with these thoughts on the reg and I know its just because this is all really fresh to me.
Like my therapist said "just because you're gay doesn't mean that you have to turn in your masculinity".
So with all that, I left, my trip was beyond sick. It turned out to be a good break from all the shit I was dealing with, that started up all over again once I was back in the states. Next I had to come out to my sister.... when, I didn't know, but knew it had to be soon. She's a voice of reason and I know that she, more than anyone, will always tell me how it really is. Coming out to her was by far one of the best nights of my life, but more on that in part 2.
For now - keep on, keeping on. Later dudes