Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Anxiety attacks fucking blow

So I mentioned in my first post that I deal with anxiety/panic attacks.  Lately I've been dealing with them on the reg and it sucks, big time.  I haven't had them since I came out to my family - they seemed to stop so I thought all was good.  Well, I was wrong.  This past week they've decided to post up in my life for who knows how long.

What are these about lately?  I'm a dude and I enjoy being a dude, but I don't always feel like one of the guys, actually I feel like this a lot of time and have for a while.  It blows.  I feel like a little kid who doesn't have a place/crowd to fit in to.  I am 23 years old and I feel like a little kid!?  Whatsup with that?  This isn't how I saw my life at this point and I'm sick of dealing with this.  I feel almost intimidated by other guys like I don't measure up, even when I'm around younger cousins, I feel like they're better at being men than I am.  I'm not sure why I feel like this, but I do - maybe it's because I'm gay, maybe not.  Nonetheless, it really fucking sucks.

I'm just unsure of where I fit in.  I like hanging out with my buds, but sometimes I'm at a loss for words.  I just don't always know what to talk about with them.  I'm sick of faking that I like pussy and having to give excuses of why I don't just hook up with a chick when she throws herself at me, doesn't happen too often, (mainly cause I hardly go out anymore) but when it does it feels mad awkward.  Another thing, I'm into sports, but not nearly as much as other guys.  I keep up with the currents, especially when it comes to the Bruins, but when it comes to the individual players and their stats I tend to be at a loss.  I guess Id rather be playing a sport than observing.  Not that there isn't more to talk about, cause there's a lot more....I'm not sure of how to bring any of it up though.  It's almost like taking a big exam, I kinda freeze up and don't know what to do or say.  I just wanna feel like a normal guy, make good convo with other guys and not feel like there's a wall up.

I feel lame for evening talking about this, but hey here it is.  What's funny is that people always comment on the "natural confidence" that I have or how I have it "all together"....if they only knew what is going on inside.

I'm prob over thinking all of this, something I'm mad good at, but its still something I'm dealing with, something that is very real for me, and for sure something I want to be done with.  I don't know how to change it, ANY ADVICE is welcome.

Here's the song Soundtrack 2 My Life by KiD CuDi that inspired the name of my blog and one that I feel I can kind of relate to:


Peace Homeys





9 comments:

  1. such a sick song. another cudi song i had on repeat when i was thinking about coming out was "Know Why." but to be honest, i dont keep track of numbers and stuff like that, i watch espn occasionally but really just follow my sport. it doesnt matter what you know, your presence of being there with your friends is what matters. i did get tired all the straight talk about pussy and everything but now since im out, i just laugh and make jokes about it. i still do get tired of it though haha

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  2. i never get sick of it! "know why" is so sick dude - another song to check out, if you haven't already heard it is "symphonies" by dan black feat. kid cudi - think its on every one of my playlists ha. yeah i definitely over think a lot of things, so thanks for the encouraging words buddy and yeah its def rough having to play it off like I'm straight, but I'm working on building enough self confidence to eventually be out to all my friends so i can start living. I'm out to my sisters boyfriend and a couple of her college friends and its crazy how chill they've all been about it, nothing like what i had built up in my mind haha

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  3. for sure people are more chill than what you would think. it completely surprised me with how well my buddies have taken it...but im liking the Symphonies song. real niceee

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  4. Fucking familiar what you're talking about!

    For how long did I think knowing all those trivia about sports and sportsman, but also about cars and cc and horsepower, and about obscure rock bands and what else did matter? Way too long of course, cause it doesn't matter at all... convo's don't go fluently because you know all that, but because you don't think trice about how something you will say might sound. And if you ask me, the kind of people bragging about their knowledge about that kind of 'facts' are just annoying...
    Try to talk about what really gets your interest, you'll be surprised about how easy it is to catch people's attention by talking passionately about something you really like, not some unconvincing sentences about something you're only half interested in. People with some different interests can be good friends too. Dare to mention you're not a big fan of whatever, people will aprecciate your honesty above forced interest.
    And forget about stereotypes, you'll be surprised how many topics you can talk about with a so-called 'jock' besides sports for instance... see the one above lol ;)

    'Symphonies' is indeed an awesome song. Never heard of Dan Black before but I like the combination of 'symphonical orchestra' and rap. Reminds me of a 'Night of the Proms' concert I once went to, were Coolio performed 'I C U when you get there' and 'Gangsta's Paradise' live with a huge orchestra...pure chills - yes I'm getting old haha ;)

    btw, by the way you described that song, you convinced me to search for it, although I'm not that much into rap. You didn't mention anything special, I just felt your enthousiasm about it. That's the way you can make convo's work!

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  5. Isn't this shit the worst man!?

    Yeah, you know I come from a family that has never taken too much interest in watching sports and when we do, which isn't too often, it's baseball, football, tennis. I have the interest in hockey, my dad can't stand it lol....we're more the kind of people who would rather be playing a sport than sitting and watching one.

    My anxiety seems to keep me from coming up with stuff to talk about, I liken it to white noise... just a whole lot of nothing going on up there haha. It's a lot easier with guys that I'm friends with but with dudes I don't know all that well its mad awkward for me. But, I'm working on it in therapy and with some new meds to help balance things out. Yeah, Socrkid is pretty chill, been talking with him through email and its just great to be able to relate in more ways than just the gay thing.

    Symphonies is for sure one of my all time favorites. dunno of too many other Dan Black songs. I'm really into all kinds of music that I can tell has legit effort put into its creation. But def love rap mixed with orchestra....its powerful to me for some reason. i consider it art if its done well.

    Thanks for all the great advice man, I'll for sure keep it all in mind when I find myself at a loss for words.

    Keep it real

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  6. Yet another entry that resonates with me, haha. Did I write this? :-P

    I've never had the slightest interest in sports. Back in high school I actually forced myself to start listening to rock music to give myself something to talk about with others (unexpectedly I fell in love with it). For the longest time I dealt with confidence issues, was always considered 'the quiet one,' and had a hard time believing that anyone could find me interesting. Only lately do I feel like these things are beginning to change. I think a large part of it is that I am being true to myself, pursuing my own interests and being unapologetic about it. In fact, two of the passions I've explored in the past couple of years, traveling and improv acting, tend to be the things that people notice most on the online dating sites (which I just barely started using). Bottom line: don't worry if you're not passionate about what "most" other guys are. Focus on what you really care about and seek out others who care about those things too.

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  7. haha happy to know you can relate! I have interests in just about anything and that's all I look for in others; the capability to talk and relate on a number of topics, not just one or two. I come from a pretty creative family, artists, musicians, etc so I tend to take a lot of interest in stuff like that as well as some sports, mostly ones my dad used to play or I have played myself. I just feel its so hard to be true to myself at this stage for some reason. I can get along great with my dads friends, uncles, and some of my older guy cousins but for some reason around guys my own age I go fucking blank man and get mad anxiety. I've spent so much time building up this image in my head of what a guy is supposed to be like that I haven't noticed most of my cousins and some of my friends break that stereotype. I'm a pro at over-thinking to the point where it can cripple me sometimes. Good news is, I've decided to begin breaking that cycle. And thanks for the great advice dude, appreciated!

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  8. I am about 3/4 of a year late, but I just wrote a post that mirrored everything that you mentioned here. I'm gonna read the rest of your blog now, and hopefully the more recent entries reflect a more confident and happier person! Peace

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  9. @kenndo Dude, it does get better. I am definitely in a better place and even though I still have some rough days, I get through them with a lot more ease and strength. Good luck and take it easy man!

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