ALL THE ABOVE

Hey guys, how's it going?  Hope everyones well!

Today I had my weekly therapy session and realized that this past Saturday, September 22, 2012 marks 1 year since I came out to my dad.  Thats wild to me! I can't believe I've been out for a year.  I never thought I was ever going to come out to anyone. Although its been one hell of a rough year, I can honestly say that I am in a better place today then I was. I am finally beginning to see my life more clearly.  I finally feel like I am starting explore the idea of what it will be like to live my life with another man.  It feels more natural.  This past summer has been a huge transition period for me in so many ways that I can't really pin-point what, but I just feel different.  Good different.

I had my ups and downs but I am definitely gaining more confidence.  Confidence not only in the gay part of myself, but in the whole of who I am.  It feels madd fuckin good.  I wanna give a huge thanks to everyone who supports this blog, followers and those just stopping by to check it out.  Specifically I want to thank the dudes who I have kept in touch with through email - you guys are fuckin awesome and without the support, I wouldn't be where I am today.

Check out this song, I'm sure some of you have heard it, but it pretty much describes how I'm feeling about my life right now.  My taste in music has always surprised my friends and family, but I honestly like all kinds and this song is hands down one of my favorites so enjoy.

Peace dudes.

I like guys who like guys....

UPDATE:  Wrote this when I was prob too tired to post so I did some slight editing.

But what type of guy who likes guys do I like?

eyo my dudes!  So I thought I'd post about the types of guys I'm attracted to....not just guys I find hot but guys that are really my type and qualities I'd like them to have.

Type.  I'm really into guys that are kinda outdoorsy but mainly prep....more relaxed and go-with-the-flow than say, myself (I'm more or less the typical uptight prep/new englander, for lack of a better term) and I'd like for the guy I end up with to balance me out and help me loosen up a bit.  And I'm not just talking about dressing these ways, I'm talking guys who pretty much fit into the whole lifestyle.

Sense of Humor.  I really dig on dudes that have a great sense or humor (I know cliche, but it is what it is).  I have a great sense of humor, real dry and sarcastic and I'd like for the guy I'm with to be able to get it and go along with that.   I hate when people take things too literal or serious and don't take time to have some fun everyday.

Trustworthy.  The one quality I am most proud of in myself is being a damn good friend and a trustworthy one at that.  I've been fucked over in the past by friends, so trust is HUGE with me.  When I say you can trust me, I mean it, if you confide in me you can be damn sure that its not going any further than my ears.  I don't talk shit about my friends, so I except the same from others.  If you're thinking I have trust issues, you'd be correct.  I tend to trust very few and am always questioning people's intentions, no matter how good they may be.  So whoever I am with better be just like me in this regard or its not gonna work.

Good looking.  He's gotta be good looking and have a good body, no question.  I don't care if that makes me shallow, but I've been told that I'm good looking, hot, handsome, cute, etc (you get the point, not trying to brag, really I'm not)  so I expect that I will meet someone like that as well.  After all, I'm not working my ass off four days a week with two personal trainers and getting cardio in nearly every day to end up with a dude who doesn't take care of himself.  I'm really attracted to rugged good looks, facial scruff or beard but the clean cut look is great once in a while, especially if he looks like he's from Sweden (I'm also a sucker for blonds).  I'm really only attracted to white guys, but I'm def open to other ethnicities.  Not trying to sound racist, thats just always where my primary attraction has been.

Dapper Dude.  Any dude I'm with should know how to dress for any occasion.  Whether he needs to be in a dinner jacket (also known as a tuxedo), a sport coat or navy blazer, or just something casual for a cookout.  He needs to know what to where, when.  If he doesn't, I can help him out, even though I hate shopping.  I grew up in a family where there was a lot of pressure to dress properly for different things so its something that I've come to expect out of others.


Intelligent.  This one should speak for itself.  Have some common sense, have some book smarts.  Be able to keep a good conversation going.  But for God's sake don't be boring, that won't fly with me.


Athletic.  Not that I'm a huge athlete, far from it as you know from past posts.  But, I've been getting more into doing the sports oriented things that I've held myself back from in the past and I'd like a guy that I can grow my athleticism with.  I'd like a dude that could teach me a thing or two.  I'd like a dude that I could workout with.  Someone I can watch the Bruins, the Cannons, or the Pats with.  If he happens to be a Polo player then just fucking call it a done deal.  I don't know what it is but NOTHING is sexier to me than a man in Polo uniform swinging a mallet on top of a horse (one of my favorite animals).  A guy I can go hiking, sailing, or kayaking with.  Liking nature and the outdoors is definitely a good quality.

A dude.  I want the guy I'm with to be a regular dude.  A guy who, like myself, you wouldn't expect to be gay.  I think its mad sexy when two bros are together, even if its just walking down the street holding hands.  That's what seems natural to me.  I don't identify with most gay guys (obvious ones) that you see in public, its the ones that blend in with our straight brothers that I can most identify with.  He doesn't have to be some macho meathead, that is a major turnoff for me.  I like a guy that I can just chill with.  A guy I can rough-house and joke around with.  I'm not gonna go into detail on the obvious: deep voice, masc. looks, etc.  That stuff is a given.

Confident.  I've always lacked this.  However, I'm building it up and I've come pretty far from where I was, even just a few months ago.  I know how mentally and emotionally draining a lack of confidence can be so I want the dude I'm with to be a confident one.  That way we can feed off each others strength.

Globetrotter.  I love traveling.  Therefore the guy I'm attracted will hopefully like to travel, to see the world.  But not as a typical tourist, as someone who likes to submerge himself into the culture and get to know some locals.

Good Guy.  Probably the most important.  He has to be a good guy.  Someone who is genuinely nice, can hang out with my friends and family, and get along with everyone in my life.  Treats not only me, but also others with respect.

So there you have it, my list of what I find attractive in other guys, in no particular order.  I know theres no perfect guy out there, but this to me is a pretty reasonable list.

These guys played a couple on a show my mom used to watch.  The one on the left is Scott Evans, he's gay in real life and brother to Chris Evans.  I caught an episode one time and what they had in that show is what I want someday, this pic is an example of that.

Take it easy guys, and hope you enjoyed the post! 

Carry On and Some Nights

Wanted to post a couple songs that I've been listening to as of late.  The first song is Carry On by Fun.  This group is nothing but great and has serious talent.  Lyrics are real inspirational and just get me going, pretty much like all their other songs.  Second song is Some Nights, also by Fun. its just a sick song that always gets me pumped. Anyways dudes, enjoy!

Carry On

Well I woke up to the sound of silence
The cars were cutting like knives in a fist fight
And I found you with a bottle of wine
Your head in the curtains
And heart like the fourth of July

You swore and said
We are not
We are not shining stars
This I know
I never said we are

Though I've never been through hell like that
I've closed enough windows 
To know you can never look back

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground and,
Carry on

Carry on, carry on

So I met up with some friends 
In the edge of the night
At a bar off seventy five 
And we talked and talked 
About how our parents will die
All our neighbors and wives

But I like to think
I can cheat it all
To make up for the times I've been cheated on
And it's nice to know
When I was left for dead
I was found and now I don't roam these streets
I am not the ghost you want of me

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone,
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground and,
Carry on

Woah
My head is on fire
But my legs are fine
After all they are mine
Lay your clothes down on the floor
Close the door
Hold the phone
Show me how 
No one's ever gonna stop us now

Cause we are 
We are shining stars
We are invincible
We are who we are
On our darkest day
When we're miles away
So we'll come
We will find our way home

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground and,
Carry on

Carry on, carry on




Some Nights (skip to 2:17 if you don't want the intro, or don't and enjoy the whole piece)

Some nights, I stay up cashing in my bad luck
Some nights, I call it a draw

Some nights, I wish that my lips could build a castle
Some nights, I wish they'd just fall off

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh Lord, I'm still not sure, what I stand for oh oh oh
What do I stand for? Oh what do I stand for?
Most nights, I don't know anymore
Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa oh oh
Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa oh oh

This is it, boys, this is war, what are we waiting for?
Why don't we break the rules already?
I was never one to believe the hype, 
Save that for the black and white I try twice as hard and I'm half as liked, 
But here they come again to jack my style

That's alright, I found a martyr in my bed tonight
Stops my bones from wondering just who I, who I, who I am, oh who am I, mm, mm

Well some nights, I wish that this all would end
'Cause I could use some friends for a change
And some nights, I'm scared you'll forget me again
Some nights, I always win, I always win

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for, oh
What do I stand for? Oh what do I stand for? Most nights, I don't know (come on)

So this is it? I sold my soul for this?
Washed my hands of that for this?
I miss my mom and dad for this?
No. When I see stars, when I see stars, that's all they are
When I hear songs, they sound like a swan, so come on
Oh, come on, oh, come on, oh come on!

Well that is it, guys, that is all, five minutes in and I'm bored again
Ten years of this, I'm not sure if anybody understands
This is not one for the folks at home, I'm sorry to leave, mom, I had to go
Who the fuck wants to die alone all dried up in the desert sun?
My heart is breaking for my sister and the con that she called "love"
But when I look into my nephew's eyes,
Man you wouldn't believe, the most amazing things, that can come from,
Some terrible nights, ah (oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa, oh oh)

Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa, oh oh
Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa, oh oh

The other night, you wouldn't believe the dream I just had about you and me
I called you up, but we'd both agree
It's for the best you didn't listen
It's for the best we get our distance, oh
It's for the best you didn't listen
It's for the best we get our distance, oh

Wife, kids, and a Boyfriend on the Side...

What's up everybody?  Hope all you guys have been enjoying the summer and taking the time for some good r&r.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about how I am going to live my life.  I've always wanted a wife and a house full of kids - four or five.  I tell myself that I can have a husband and all those kids, but something about it seems, well, unnatural to me.  I grew up with two great parents, a mother and a father and I wouldn't have had it any other way.... I know if it had been another way I wouldn't know the difference.  I feel like it could be unfair for kids to grow up without a mom and dad, I feel like it would be unfair for me not to have part in the happiness of two people making a child with both their genes.  I know I'm probably gonna get shit for these thoughts.

I'm considering, as one of my options, marrying a woman and living the life I've always wanted.  No I wouldn't marry a straight woman who has no idea and then it turns to shit years later.  I've heard of lesbians and gay men getting married to live what appears to be a normal straight life.  They develop real feelings for each other (love, most likely platonic), have kids, and have an open marriage.  Open marriages between straight, bisexual, and gay couples is nothing new or unheard of.  In my area I know of several married couples that are involved in wife-swaping, some were in my own family.  Except I'd want to be more discreet then they have haha.  For obvious reasons I wouldn't want my secret to get out and ruin my life.  Which leads me to my next thought...

Is living a life like that really worth it? I mean, there's the constant worry of people finding out, of either me or the woman I were to marry developing real feelings for the people we'd be sleeping with, and wanting out of the marriage.  It seems like a lot to worry about instead of just living a life true to who I am.

But, if I marry a man and have kids with him (through surrogacy) theres the contestant worry about is it right to raise kids without parents of both sexes.  It may be right for some people, but it may not be right for me.  Theres the worry of people saying things about how the kids deserve both a mother and father, the worry of bullying in school, and how the kids will deal mentally/emotionally seeing other kids grow up with both a mom and a dad.   I guess my husband and I could hire a kick ass nanny like my sister and I grew up with, we actually had two, and some of out best memories as kids were with them.  She would help raise the kids as a mother figure and give the guidance needed by kids from a woman.

I have to say, I like the second option best.  It allows me to own my life, to live it without living a lie.  I still don't have the answer though, its scary as fuck for me to think about my life.  Its crazy how easy straight people have it, not having to think about stuff like this.  I'm not saying every straight couple has it perfect, far from it, but if I were straight, I would know exactly how my life would be.  But I'm not, so I have options to think about and decisions to make.

I'd like to add that I do know gay parents and lesbian parents raise great kids and a 100% just as capable as straight couples, if not more so, because we have to really want kids and go through a lot to get them.  This post is just about me and my life, no one else's.

Well dudes, don't be afraid to tell me how you really feel.  Your opinions matter and I'm lookin forward to reading them!

Keep it real everybody (ironic considering the post hah)

Update Time

Hey Everyone!

Alright dudes, I know it's been a looong ass time since I last blogged.  I've had a rough go at it over the past month and half and to be honest, life has been kinda boring with not much to write about.

Over the last 7 weeks I've had some ups and down and the downs were pretty damn bad.  In the beginning/middle of June I started a new medication to help with my depression and anxiety and it just didn't fucking work, in fact I think it helped make things worse.  I am not gonna blame what went on with me entirely on the meds, but I def think it contributed to my downward spiral.  I have dealt with depression and anxiety for a long time and there have been periods where life would get real bad for me or at least it felt that way.  None were as bad as the 3 weeks in June (except for the time right before I came out).  We've had prime weather here in New England and I spent a lot of it inside sleeping/being mad depressed.  I don't think I've ever felt more hopeless.  Luckily I had the meds changed and things are going a lot better now!  My anxiety, although still around, has been a million times better and I am able to manage the overwhelming thoughts in a much more rational way than I had before.  Needless to say I'm feeling pretty good and looking forward to feeling even better.

view of the beach in my town...this is what i live for

Through all this I managed to never miss a beat with my workouts and cardio and have been consistently losing pounds each week and gaining more muscle definition....feels mad good to be back on the right track again!!  I thought it would be real rough getting back into it all, and it has to an extent, but its been easy once I got into the routine for a while.  I just love the challenge of trying new workouts and different exercises.  Also with the prime weather I've started to spend more time running outdoors and enjoying the fresh air.  Living in the middle of horse country there's never a shortage of trails throughs hundreds acres of fields and woods, and I'm really big on being outdoors and enjoying nature so I feel this has helped a lot in getting me back to a healthily balanced mental and emotional state.  Also been working on some lax skills, haven't been working with an actual coach yet, but my personal trainers have me doing functional lacrosse workouts and I've been practicing catching/throwing/cradling in my backyard.

practicing cradling/throwing in the backyard w/ my dogs

went for a run and ended up at a practice polo match

In the past few weeks I've also been able to get together with some family and friends I haven't seen in a while and its gone well....went to a couple family get together and had a real solid time at both.  Usually I hate these things but with my decreased anxiety I'm def able to enjoy them more....also been getting mad compliments on how I'm looking and that feels great to hear.  It was rough to be at these parties without my mom there but I know in time it'll get better, its just the year of firsts which sucks but its something we have to work through cause I know my mom would want us to enjoy the get togethers and holidays.

One thing I really loove about where I live, is being on the ocean.  Any time we wanna be by the ocean theres so many beaches, restaurants, and bars directly on the water that my fam and friends can be enjoying some sick views harbor-side in a matter of less that 10 minutes.  And thats just what we've been doing.....

view from my seat at a rooftop restaurant and bar

Also went into Boston a few times.  Went in a couple weeks ago with some friends and my sister for dinner in the North End and then headed over to an old Boston favorite; The Fours.  When we left the sports bar we hit the streets and a massive thunder/lightning storm hit soaking the city with some crazy downpours.  It was pretty sick to be in the middle of it with all the intense lightening and thunder, and being soooo soaked that we just didn't give a fuck.

Bar @ The Fours in Boston

Aside from working part time for my dad's company, I've just chilled with my sister and friends.  I'm also taking classes to get my real estate license.  If theres one thing I know I will be sick at in life it is running a top real estate firm and enjoying the hell out of working my way to the top.  My family has some connections in real estate in Boston, NYC, and Chicago....I might take advantage of those, but on the other end of it, I think it would be more gratifying to work my way up instead of relying on others.  But who knows, I might change my mind with that one haha.  It just feels good to be doing things, to finally feel like I have some more direction in the my life.  I'm really trying to not look too far into the future and just focus on the here and now, not the what ifs.  Its hard, but now that I'm on new meds, a lot easier to manage.  

Take it easy dudes.

Soundtrack.

Change

Get ready, this is a long one....

For a while now I have been feeling like nothing in my life is real.  I feel as if I am in some dream that I'm about to wake up from.  Everything from playing with my dogs to writing this blog, going to therapy, and my mom being gone.  I couldn't understand why I was feeling this way and then in therapy the other day I finally realized it's because so much as changed in my life in the past 3-4 years and its all hitting me at once.

2008 - I was in my freshman year of college.  Summer after school was out, I lived in Maine at the house of my father's sister and her family.  I fucking loved it, pretty much just relaxed on the beach, went to great pubs and museums in Portland, hiked some of the coast and got mad close with my aunt and her family.  Meanwhile, back in Massachusetts my sister was enjoying the summer, partying with friends and doing her own thing after graduating from high school,.  My parents were on top of the world, genuinely happy and their marriage had never been better.

When summer ended I headed back to my school, the same school where my sister was starting her freshman year.  I didn't wanna be there, the friends I made during my first year had transferred and I wasn't too happy being stuck in the mountains of New England while other friends were closer to Boston and New York.  The day before I was suppose to start classes I withdrew without my parents knowing.  It was the first big decision I had ever made about my own life.  I had taken control of something that was in other hands for a long time.  I decided to take some time off, focus on myself and then head back to a school where I wanted to be.  I was gonna travel to Brazil, Greece, and Dubai with my dad's sister and work on some much needed self-improvement in my time off.

2009 - Winter break ended for my sister, we got closer while she was back and it seemed we were all in a good place again.  A week later I found our mother collapsed in the driveway.  Then came the news of her brain tumor.  My travel and self-improvement plans went to shit.  I was now helping take care of my mom when dad wasn't able to be at the house.  My sister was away at school and we all wanted her to focus on her studies.  There were times I resented this but looking back I wouldn't have spent my time any differently, I really liked getting to know my mom better.

The rest of the year was pretty low-key, didn't do too much because of everything going on at home.

2010 - Mom seemed to being doing better and we were all hopeful that maybe she would have some type of miracle, then we got the news that the tumor was growing back.....how the fuck could this be?  She hadn't seemed so much like herself since before the surgery!!  She started a new round of chemo and things were looking alright, but not as good as before.

Summer 2010 was prob one of the best summer's I've had, pretty much spent the entire summer hanging out with a few of my buddies and good friends, getting mad ripped everyday, having fires on the beach, being out on the ocean and just enjoying the fuck outta life.  When that summer ended I had this weird feeling that things were gonna change and that was probs the last time a lot of my friends would be around.  I was right.  When everyone headed back to school for fall semester of their junior and senior years I was back to the daily grind of working for my dad's company and helping take care of my mom, who was dying, but I didn't want to accept that.  I was also dealing with the whole gay thing, which I didn't want to accept either.

2011 - With these two huge things hanging over my head I didn't realize how much else was changing....how friends were moving away to other states and countries, how my family's relationship with my dad's sister was being strained, and how day-to-day life wasn't the same any more.  Nothing was simple like it used to be.

Summer 2011 hit and things were looking a little better.  A couple friends moved up from the South and we were all having a good time.  But, in August we got word that my mom's tumor was growing again and we could tell by her personality that things weren't good.  At the end of summer when all my friends went back to their lives I was left to deal with everything going on in my life.  I hit a low point in early September, I knew I was gay and I was trying hard to figure out any way to be more attracted to girls.  I finally came out to my dad and two hours later, left for Iceland.  When I came back all the shit started again; depression, panic attacks, anxiety, sleepless nights. etc....I came out to my sister, then my mom, then my sister's boyfriend, and then my dad's sister a month later.  I had also started therapy which, although I had been in the past, was completely new to me because I was there at my own will.

2012 -  News comes that mom prob only has a few months left, also that one of her brothers was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer and would probably die before my mother.  He did, and then a week and half later my mom died.  We then had to have Easter without them.  A couple month's later my sister graduated from college without her best friend, our mom, by her side.

In the past four years my family has gone from being the happiest we ever were to losing one of the most important parts of what made us so great - my mom.  I've seen my uncle die from a two month battle with cancer.  I went from having the best time with my friends to watching them all move away.  I've seen my family go from being real close to my dad's sister's family to having an okay relationship with them.  I went from being in denial about the gay thing to having the courage to coming out to part of my family.  I've seen my sister graduate from college.  And there's also the loss of a great relationship with my one of my grandmothers and now my family hardly sees her anymore, but can't get into that now....

And here I am, stuck back on square one.  I know acknowledging the gay thing is a big step in what I hope is the right direction, but I just didn't realize how much shit went along with it, feelings that I never knew I had when I was in denial.  I feel like everything around me has changed and I have no control.  Like I'm stuck in the middle of everyone, just standing here while everybody is rushing around me going places and doing things.  I feel lost and confused, tired, mentally/emotionally drained and I have no idea how or if/when I will get out of this.  I just don't know how things got to this point for my family..

Welp thats about it for now, hope things are good for all you dudes and that everyone is enjoying the summer weather!

Election 2012

How's it going guys?

Thought I would do a quick post about something big in politics.  President Barack Obama has officially voiced his support for Marriage Equality!!!  This is huge dudes!!  He might just have this former Republican's vote! haha  Ideally I would be voting for Gov. Gary Johnson of New Mexico, his balance of conservative/liberal is right on imo, but we have to vote for the candidate that has the best chance to win and unfortunately Gov. Johnson isn't being given the attention he deserves..... 

Now, I'm not gonna pretend like I know the President's stance on all the issues, or that I would agree with them, because I know for sure that I don't on the fiscal side of things.  I also don't like the fact that I would pretty much be a 'one-issue voter'....  Buuttttt this could mean freedom.  Freedom that can't be bought or easily attained.  Imagine how sick it would be if marriage becomes legal for all of us across the USA!  

It's time.  I give the dude mad props for being on what I think is the right side of history!  Here's the link to the article in the WSJ:  Obama Says He Supports Gay Marriage 

Peace Homies and hope all is well with everyone