Get ready, this is a long one....
For a while now I have been feeling like nothing in my life is real. I feel as if I am in some dream that I'm about to wake up from. Everything from playing with my dogs to writing this blog, going to therapy, and my mom being gone. I couldn't understand why I was feeling this way and then in therapy the other day I finally realized it's because so much as changed in my life in the past 3-4 years and its all hitting me at once.
2008 - I was in my freshman year of college. Summer after school was out, I lived in Maine at the house of my father's sister and her family. I fucking loved it, pretty much just relaxed on the beach, went to great pubs and museums in Portland, hiked some of the coast and got mad close with my aunt and her family. Meanwhile, back in Massachusetts my sister was enjoying the summer, partying with friends and doing her own thing after graduating from high school,. My parents were on top of the world, genuinely happy and their marriage had never been better.
When summer ended I headed back to my school, the same school where my sister was starting her freshman year. I didn't wanna be there, the friends I made during my first year had transferred and I wasn't too happy being stuck in the mountains of New England while other friends were closer to Boston and New York. The day before I was suppose to start classes I withdrew without my parents knowing. It was the first big decision I had ever made about my own life. I had taken control of something that was in other hands for a long time. I decided to take some time off, focus on myself and then head back to a school where I wanted to be. I was gonna travel to Brazil, Greece, and Dubai with my dad's sister and work on some much needed self-improvement in my time off.
2009 - Winter break ended for my sister, we got closer while she was back and it seemed we were all in a good place again. A week later I found our mother collapsed in the driveway. Then came the news of her brain tumor. My travel and self-improvement plans went to shit. I was now helping take care of my mom when dad wasn't able to be at the house. My sister was away at school and we all wanted her to focus on her studies. There were times I resented this but looking back I wouldn't have spent my time any differently, I really liked getting to know my mom better.
The rest of the year was pretty low-key, didn't do too much because of everything going on at home.
2010 - Mom seemed to being doing better and we were all hopeful that maybe she would have some type of miracle, then we got the news that the tumor was growing back.....how the fuck could this be? She hadn't seemed so much like herself since before the surgery!! She started a new round of chemo and things were looking alright, but not as good as before.
Summer 2010 was prob one of the best summer's I've had, pretty much spent the entire summer hanging out with a few of my buddies and good friends, getting mad ripped everyday, having fires on the beach, being out on the ocean and just enjoying the fuck outta life. When that summer ended I had this weird feeling that things were gonna change and that was probs the last time a lot of my friends would be around. I was right. When everyone headed back to school for fall semester of their junior and senior years I was back to the daily grind of working for my dad's company and helping take care of my mom, who was dying, but I didn't want to accept that. I was also dealing with the whole gay thing, which I didn't want to accept either.
2011 - With these two huge things hanging over my head I didn't realize how much else was changing....how friends were moving away to other states and countries, how my family's relationship with my dad's sister was being strained, and how day-to-day life wasn't the same any more. Nothing was simple like it used to be.
Summer 2011 hit and things were looking a little better. A couple friends moved up from the South and we were all having a good time. But, in August we got word that my mom's tumor was growing again and we could tell by her personality that things weren't good. At the end of summer when all my friends went back to their lives I was left to deal with everything going on in my life. I hit a low point in early September, I knew I was gay and I was trying hard to figure out any way to be more attracted to girls. I finally came out to my dad and two hours later, left for Iceland. When I came back all the shit started again; depression, panic attacks, anxiety, sleepless nights. etc....I came out to my sister, then my mom, then my sister's boyfriend, and then my dad's sister a month later. I had also started therapy which, although I had been in the past, was completely new to me because I was there at my own will.
2012 - News comes that mom prob only has a few months left, also that one of her brothers was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer and would probably die before my mother. He did, and then a week and half later my mom died. We then had to have Easter without them. A couple month's later my sister graduated from college without her best friend, our mom, by her side.
In the past four years my family has gone from being the happiest we ever were to losing one of the most important parts of what made us so great - my mom. I've seen my uncle die from a two month battle with cancer. I went from having the best time with my friends to watching them all move away. I've seen my family go from being real close to my dad's sister's family to having an okay relationship with them. I went from being in denial about the gay thing to having the courage to coming out to part of my family. I've seen my sister graduate from college. And there's also the loss of a great relationship with my one of my grandmothers and now my family hardly sees her anymore, but can't get into that now....
And here I am, stuck back on square one. I know acknowledging the gay thing is a big step in what I hope is the right direction, but I just didn't realize how much shit went along with it, feelings that I never knew I had when I was in denial. I feel like everything around me has changed and I have no control. Like I'm stuck in the middle of everyone, just standing here while everybody is rushing around me going places and doing things. I feel lost and confused, tired, mentally/emotionally drained and I have no idea how or if/when I will get out of this. I just don't know how things got to this point for my family..
Welp thats about it for now, hope things are good for all you dudes and that everyone is enjoying the summer weather!
I'm sorry to hear that things are so overwhelming man. I really admire your strength in getting through all of these hard times. Just know that things will get better. I wasn't always a believer in that, but I am now. It's great that you are being proactive by going to therapy and working to come to terms with being gay. Best wishes to you and your family.
ReplyDeleteIt seems like I missed this post earlier for some reason...
ReplyDeleteWow that's quite a bunch you've gone through. I already knew most of it, but if you write it down like that you get the whole picture.
You know I struggled (and still do often) with all those things that are changing and those good times that seem to never come back again? I'm thinking about college fun time, but even stuff from my childhood when everything was simple, everybody had time for each other, people around me were healthy and half of the family wasn't divorced.
I do realise know that what I rememeber is an idealised version of what was, because if I think a little furhter I forgot all about the fucked up feelings, the false friendships, the peer pressure, having no one to relate, the feeling of being useless, the longing to be grown up.
I do realise too that those changes are for everyone. I'm really not the only one who has to work his ass off the whole week only to crash on the couch watching tv at night, instead of having the energy for going out and doing whatever. Seriosly, my classmates from high school or college aren't exactly busy doing sports or going out every night. They're caring for children, and worrying about their parents cancer, the lack of money or time, getting a better job or a decent house. Sometimes through facebook or whatever it seems like everyone is having the time of their life. People post about that one splendid hiking weekend, not about that weekend spending by cleaning the house, doing the taxes or whatever and feeling exhausted.
At the same time I'm getting to realise I have to blame myself for some things that are not like they used to be. I need to put more energy in maintaining friendships and making new ones instead of being melancholic about those that are gone or changed. I need to go for what I want and not reflect about what went wrong in the past. I need to focus on live in the moment and stop going back or overthink about the future.
I guess it's working, although with babysteps. I know you can do it too. Coming out was already a huge step. Writing your blog and going to therapy will help you too. You mentioned going back to school again, wich is another big step. The feeling of doing well will follow, and give you the energy of picking up social life and doing fun things again. Slowly, remember, but it will.
Take care!