Get ready, this is a long one....
For a while now I have been feeling like nothing in my life is real. I feel as if I am in some dream that I'm about to wake up from. Everything from playing with my dogs to writing this blog, going to therapy, and my mom being gone. I couldn't understand why I was feeling this way and then in therapy the other day I finally realized it's because so much as changed in my life in the past 3-4 years and its all hitting me at once.
2008 - I was in my freshman year of college. Summer after school was out, I lived in Maine at the house of my father's sister and her family. I fucking loved it, pretty much just relaxed on the beach, went to great pubs and museums in Portland, hiked some of the coast and got mad close with my aunt and her family. Meanwhile, back in Massachusetts my sister was enjoying the summer, partying with friends and doing her own thing after graduating from high school,. My parents were on top of the world, genuinely happy and their marriage had never been better.
When summer ended I headed back to my school, the same school where my sister was starting her freshman year. I didn't wanna be there, the friends I made during my first year had transferred and I wasn't too happy being stuck in the mountains of New England while other friends were closer to Boston and New York. The day before I was suppose to start classes I withdrew without my parents knowing. It was the first big decision I had ever made about my own life. I had taken control of something that was in other hands for a long time. I decided to take some time off, focus on myself and then head back to a school where I wanted to be. I was gonna travel to Brazil, Greece, and Dubai with my dad's sister and work on some much needed self-improvement in my time off.
2009 - Winter break ended for my sister, we got closer while she was back and it seemed we were all in a good place again. A week later I found our mother collapsed in the driveway. Then came the news of her brain tumor. My travel and self-improvement plans went to shit. I was now helping take care of my mom when dad wasn't able to be at the house. My sister was away at school and we all wanted her to focus on her studies. There were times I resented this but looking back I wouldn't have spent my time any differently, I really liked getting to know my mom better.
The rest of the year was pretty low-key, didn't do too much because of everything going on at home.
2010 - Mom seemed to being doing better and we were all hopeful that maybe she would have some type of miracle, then we got the news that the tumor was growing back.....how the fuck could this be? She hadn't seemed so much like herself since before the surgery!! She started a new round of chemo and things were looking alright, but not as good as before.
Summer 2010 was prob one of the best summer's I've had, pretty much spent the entire summer hanging out with a few of my buddies and good friends, getting mad ripped everyday, having fires on the beach, being out on the ocean and just enjoying the fuck outta life. When that summer ended I had this weird feeling that things were gonna change and that was probs the last time a lot of my friends would be around. I was right. When everyone headed back to school for fall semester of their junior and senior years I was back to the daily grind of working for my dad's company and helping take care of my mom, who was dying, but I didn't want to accept that. I was also dealing with the whole gay thing, which I didn't want to accept either.
2011 - With these two huge things hanging over my head I didn't realize how much else was changing....how friends were moving away to other states and countries, how my family's relationship with my dad's sister was being strained, and how day-to-day life wasn't the same any more. Nothing was simple like it used to be.
Summer 2011 hit and things were looking a little better. A couple friends moved up from the South and we were all having a good time. But, in August we got word that my mom's tumor was growing again and we could tell by her personality that things weren't good. At the end of summer when all my friends went back to their lives I was left to deal with everything going on in my life. I hit a low point in early September, I knew I was gay and I was trying hard to figure out any way to be more attracted to girls. I finally came out to my dad and two hours later, left for Iceland. When I came back all the shit started again; depression, panic attacks, anxiety, sleepless nights. etc....I came out to my sister, then my mom, then my sister's boyfriend, and then my dad's sister a month later. I had also started therapy which, although I had been in the past, was completely new to me because I was there at my own will.
2012 - News comes that mom prob only has a few months left, also that one of her brothers was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer and would probably die before my mother. He did, and then a week and half later my mom died. We then had to have Easter without them. A couple month's later my sister graduated from college without her best friend, our mom, by her side.
In the past four years my family has gone from being the happiest we ever were to losing one of the most important parts of what made us so great - my mom. I've seen my uncle die from a two month battle with cancer. I went from having the best time with my friends to watching them all move away. I've seen my family go from being real close to my dad's sister's family to having an okay relationship with them. I went from being in denial about the gay thing to having the courage to coming out to part of my family. I've seen my sister graduate from college. And there's also the loss of a great relationship with my one of my grandmothers and now my family hardly sees her anymore, but can't get into that now....
And here I am, stuck back on square one. I know acknowledging the gay thing is a big step in what I hope is the right direction, but I just didn't realize how much shit went along with it, feelings that I never knew I had when I was in denial. I feel like everything around me has changed and I have no control. Like I'm stuck in the middle of everyone, just standing here while everybody is rushing around me going places and doing things. I feel lost and confused, tired, mentally/emotionally drained and I have no idea how or if/when I will get out of this. I just don't know how things got to this point for my family..
Welp thats about it for now, hope things are good for all you dudes and that everyone is enjoying the summer weather!
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Election 2012
How's it going guys?
Thought I would do a quick post about something big in politics. President Barack Obama has officially voiced his support for Marriage Equality!!! This is huge dudes!! He might just have this former Republican's vote! haha Ideally I would be voting for Gov. Gary Johnson of New Mexico, his balance of conservative/liberal is right on imo, but we have to vote for the candidate that has the best chance to win and unfortunately Gov. Johnson isn't being given the attention he deserves.....
Now, I'm not gonna pretend like I know the President's stance on all the issues, or that I would agree with them, because I know for sure that I don't on the fiscal side of things. I also don't like the fact that I would pretty much be a 'one-issue voter'.... Buuttttt this could mean freedom. Freedom that can't be bought or easily attained. Imagine how sick it would be if marriage becomes legal for all of us across the USA!
It's time. I give the dude mad props for being on what I think is the right side of history! Here's the link to the article in the WSJ: Obama Says He Supports Gay Marriage
Peace Homies and hope all is well with everyone
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Living the SWEETLIFE
Yoooo dudes
So this past weekend I hit up the Sweetlife Fest in Maryland, its a relatively new thing that started up a few years ago. This year the line up was fucking incredible..........
So this past weekend I hit up the Sweetlife Fest in Maryland, its a relatively new thing that started up a few years ago. This year the line up was fucking incredible..........
On thursday a friend flew up from FL and on friday the two of us headed to the MA/CT line to pick up a two other friends to make the road trip down to Baltimore for the weekend. On the way down we made a couple stops, one in Mount Kisco NY where my friends and I met this wicked friendly dude that worked at a pizza place, I was wearing a Bruins snapback and he was like "Yo, you wear that hat proud man! The played their hearts out and just because they lost doesn't mean the fans should give up on them. Good for you bro!" I knew this trip was gonna be great, when a new yorker says that to a bostonian haha. We made it Baltimore at around 8:30 to meet up with some friends for dinner in the Inner Harbor area and had a real good time catching up and just enjoying the scene.
Pratt Street Ale House, Baltimore
We left the city around 11:15 and headed to our hotel which was halfway between D.C. and Baltimore. Hit the sack and woke up the next AM to set out for Sweetlifefest......this place was fuckin dope......copious amounts of booze and since my friends and I were VIP we had access to even better shit. Not to mention there wasn't a person there who wasn't walking around with a joint or blunt in their hand. The line up was unreal and I got to see some of my favorite bands perform. It was so sick.
Fun.
Fun. started off the festival with some of their awesomeness with We Are Young, Some Nights and some other greats. Went down to the pit for Fitz and the Tantrums who were sick. And I'm a big fan of U.S. Royalty out of D.C. their stuff's great imo and none of my friends really know them so it was great to just be in a crowd with all these other fans who just get it.
U.S. Royalty
After that show I hit up one of the bathrooms, needless to say they were fucking nasty as hell but hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go....not to mention the set up of this particular one was real weird, pretty sure I was pissing in a urinal that was practically in the middle of the room and their were tons of girls in there haha cause the line to their restrooms were mad long....so they prolly got flashed some dick a few times lol butttt after that I headed out to meet up with my one of my buds and I saw the huge t-shirt stand so I decide to pick up a couple U.S. Royalty shirts and as I finish up paying I look to my right and the lead vocals dude is legit 10 feet from me! So I go up to him and I'm like "Yo man, you guys are awesome, mind signing my shirt??" He did and it was real solid to meet him and get his autograph!
After that I headed over to the VIP lounge to continue pumping my veins with gin and then saw The Shins and then it was time to settle in for KiD-fuckin-CuDi.....we some how managed to get sick seats 5 rows back from the pit despite the place being packed over capacity. He made us wait a good 40 min before he came out, but oohhhhh dudes when he did it was maddd INSANE! he fuckin killed it!!! It was so surreal to be there listen to all his songs that have inspired me, including the namesake of this blog; Soutrack 2 My Life, Up Up and Away, and Revofev. I just felt like for a moment that I was connected with every single person around me in a higher way. like we were all equal and just doin it together. It was a mad cool feeling.
KiD CuDi
We ended up sharing some hits off our joints with the dudes around us and they were all super grateful. Cudi continued on killing it song after song then he took his leave. He said this show was exclusive and that he's not doing much right now so we all felt extra pumped cause of that. After Cudi was Avicii and for some insane/stupid/momentary-lapse-in-judgement reason my friends and I didn't stay for that. I wasn't too concerned with it at the time but then I saw the pics and videos online the next day and felt real bummed that we missed it. But!!! Avicii will be in Boston on June 15 and I fully plan on being there to watch him kill it in my favorite city!! Man right now I am feelin goooood!
KiD CuDi
Met some real cool people that day and hope they all continue live the fucking Sweetlife all day every day! It felt great to be a part of something again and to be having this un-fucking-real experience. This is shit I've held myself back from in the past because of my anxiety and let me tell you guys, it didn't fucking exist this day and I felt more like me and more free than I ever have in my life. My friends were wicked pumped that I did this and I was too. I was for sure proud of myself and I knew more than anything that my mom was watching me, I really felt her. I know she is proud of me for really starting to live....above all else, that's the greatest feeling. For once, I owned a day of my life.
Very solid weekend. Can't wait till SWEETLIFE FEST 2013.......my sister and her bf are gonna join my friends and I so it'll be real dope!
Welp, that's it for now dudes. Keep it real!
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Politics
Sup? Sup, dudes?
So, politics, huh? That's whack. Politics are whack. Sup with the whack politics, sup?
Hahaha alright well I hope all you guys got that "Friends" reference! Don't we all love to hear about this topic. Politics have always been fucked up and sadly it seems that this isn't changing, but getting worse.
First let me tell you all a little of where I'm coming from. One year ago I was a Republican, like the rest of my family members, however they are all very socially liberal whereas I was very socially conservative. I thought that if I went that way then I could make the gay go away. I was 100% for "traditional marriages" nooo way in hell did I think two people of the same gender should be allowed to be married. "God made Adam and Eve, NOT, Adam and Steve". Yeah I said that once...major facepalm. I thought gay was a choice and that if I supported enough of the efforts against the LGBT community, I could help make all gay people go away. Well that blew up in my face big time haha. I can't believe that used to be my thought process. It makes me wonder about all these politicians that share my old views......
Obviously there was a lot of self-loathing going on and I thought if I could "get rid of" all the gay people then it wouldn't exist in myself. I'm ashamed that I used to have this mindset but for sure am glad that its long gone!
My family is fiscally conservative but have always been socially liberal which puts us more in the Libertarian category. We've only voted more on the Republican side for financial reasons. Yes, we helped put Bush and Cheney in office. I apologize on behalf of my family members hahaha. I was dead set against Obama getting into office, but I see now what he has done and will continue to do for gay people, for me for that matter. I still don't agree with some of his views on the fiscal front, but hell, he can take all of my money as long as he gives me my freedom. Freedom to have equal rights in marriage and whatever the hell else straight people have that we don't. I've gained a lot of respect for President Obama over the past year. I sure hope he gets into office in the 2012 election and to be honest, I'm scared he won't. Mad scared that Mitt Romney will get in and fuck everything up.
I just can't believe that we claim to be the land of freedom, the greatest country on earth, yet we can't even achieve equal rights for all of our population. Doing a good old Google search I've found that Canada, Iceland, Spain, Argentina, South Africa, Sweden, Norway, Portugal, the Netherlands, and Belgium all have marriage equality. So why not the United States? I stumbled upon this article and always go back to it, just think its awesome and really drives home how mad ridiculous some American people are being. Dear America: You Have a Gay Problem ....Hope you guys enjoy the read, it's a realistic and intelligent approach to such a hot-button topic.
Later dudes!
So, politics, huh? That's whack. Politics are whack. Sup with the whack politics, sup?
Hahaha alright well I hope all you guys got that "Friends" reference! Don't we all love to hear about this topic. Politics have always been fucked up and sadly it seems that this isn't changing, but getting worse.
First let me tell you all a little of where I'm coming from. One year ago I was a Republican, like the rest of my family members, however they are all very socially liberal whereas I was very socially conservative. I thought that if I went that way then I could make the gay go away. I was 100% for "traditional marriages" nooo way in hell did I think two people of the same gender should be allowed to be married. "God made Adam and Eve, NOT, Adam and Steve". Yeah I said that once...major facepalm. I thought gay was a choice and that if I supported enough of the efforts against the LGBT community, I could help make all gay people go away. Well that blew up in my face big time haha. I can't believe that used to be my thought process. It makes me wonder about all these politicians that share my old views......
Obviously there was a lot of self-loathing going on and I thought if I could "get rid of" all the gay people then it wouldn't exist in myself. I'm ashamed that I used to have this mindset but for sure am glad that its long gone!
My family is fiscally conservative but have always been socially liberal which puts us more in the Libertarian category. We've only voted more on the Republican side for financial reasons. Yes, we helped put Bush and Cheney in office. I apologize on behalf of my family members hahaha. I was dead set against Obama getting into office, but I see now what he has done and will continue to do for gay people, for me for that matter. I still don't agree with some of his views on the fiscal front, but hell, he can take all of my money as long as he gives me my freedom. Freedom to have equal rights in marriage and whatever the hell else straight people have that we don't. I've gained a lot of respect for President Obama over the past year. I sure hope he gets into office in the 2012 election and to be honest, I'm scared he won't. Mad scared that Mitt Romney will get in and fuck everything up.
I just can't believe that we claim to be the land of freedom, the greatest country on earth, yet we can't even achieve equal rights for all of our population. Doing a good old Google search I've found that Canada, Iceland, Spain, Argentina, South Africa, Sweden, Norway, Portugal, the Netherlands, and Belgium all have marriage equality. So why not the United States? I stumbled upon this article and always go back to it, just think its awesome and really drives home how mad ridiculous some American people are being. Dear America: You Have a Gay Problem ....Hope you guys enjoy the read, it's a realistic and intelligent approach to such a hot-button topic.
Later dudes!
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Some Positive stuff
One thing that really gets to me about being gay is the lack of mainstream visuals of romance/love between same-sex couples. It seems that a lot of the media attention focuses on gay people that are either the supporting, stereotypically gay character on a tv show or on the news for equality issues. Where's a young gay guy like myself to find examples of what love is between two men? I sure did't have any growing up.
Back in September/October when I came out to my family I decided to google things like marriage equality, gay love, etc. I came across these two videos that I watch every now and then to keep myself reminded that loving another dude in a romantic way is possible and that it'll hopefully happen for me someday
I really like these vids. Both equally powerful in their own ways.
Really like this one cause it shows somethings I've never really seen before - romantic love between two men. Feel like it will all be okay when I see something like this. Plus the dude waiting at the alter is mad hot!
This is another great vid
Feel like I can relate to this guy, especially the scene with his mom on her death bed. Just hits home. I think it's time.
Welp, hope you guys enjoyed those as much as I do. That's about it for today. Keep it real everybody.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Summer comes early
Yooo dudes!
This past weekend I celebrated Easter with my family. The weather was beautiful and the food came out pretty damn close if not exact to how my mom used to do it all! We were pretty proud of ourselves and enjoyed a good day with close family. It was def weird without my mom there but, it wasn't this big gaping hole like we thought it would be....it really felt like she was with us, hard to explain, but it just did.
I had a couple shitty moments with two family members. Nothing to significant to talk about though, just stupid bullshit with stupid people. I'm really over tolerating people because they're family and I don't want to put the time or energy into it anymore.
On a more positive note, because of Patriots Day a few of my friends were home for the long weekend so I was able to chill with them and enjoy some great summer weather. Monday was a pretty solid day overall and it really had me missing the good old times. Fuck I sound like my parents. When did just hanging out and doing whatever with my friends become the "good old times" We're in our early 20s, we're not 50! So yesterday AM I picked up my friend J, she's pretty cool and haven't seen her in a couple months so it was great to hang out, we headed to D's place to pick him up and wait for our friend C who was driving in from her place out of town. We piled in my car, packed a few bowls and went for a good old fashioned burn ride. The weather in my town was high 80s and clear and it felt sooo good. I love summer weather! We just smoked and drove/walked around, grabbed lunch at a restaurant with a deck on the ocean and then headed to the beach for a bit before heading back to D's so he could leave to get back to his school.
It was a pretty lax day and nothing special happened it was just good to chill with a few friends and have some laughs. I forgot though how being the in sun all and being high on top of that can really wipe the shit outta you.
I love smoking weed. I will freely admit that to anyone who asks. Smoking used to help calm my anxiety but then there was this turning point this past September when my mom's health was getting worse and when I realized no matter how much I tried, I would never be straight. I've slowly started to introduce it back into my body this weekend, but only when I knew I'd be productive and when I'd be with some good people. Yesterday was attempt 2, attempt 1 was saturday night when it was just D and I hanging out at a local bar watching the Bruin's game. Both times were fine, with the exception of the tail end of today's high when I was coming down.
Felt mad tired on the drive back to my house and started getting some anxiety about the whole gay thing. It stills feels surreal to me that I'm gay and that I'm going to be fully out someday. It scares the shit out of me. Just the thoughts of bringing a boyfriend to family parties and then having a husband someday while all my dude cousins will have wives. I feel so raw and vulnerable all the time. I know these thoughts creeped in cause of the weed but I honestly don't regret smoking yesterday. For a few hours it felt like the old times and I really needed that. I've given it up for some time now cause of everything with my mom and everything with me coming out. Just makes the anxiety a lot worse, so I cut it out. I'm definitely not going to be smoking like I used to, that would be nice, but it's just not for me at this point.
But, going back to the anxiety. There are times where I legit am fine with the gay thing and actually think its cool that I'm a dude into dudes haha, but most of the time I just stress out about it all. I honestly can't see myself in a relationship. I don't know how to let people into my life, even my closest friends are kept at arm's length some of the time. I'm a private guy and very guarded and trust is HUGE with me. It takes A LOT for me to trust someone and I mean A LOT! I just can't see myself letting some dude in that I haven't known for a decent amount of time. How do I do that? I like when things happen naturally, in a go-with-the-flow kind of way. I hope that happens for me. I just don't see how it will.....
I feel like my mind is never at ease, like its constantly moving from thought to thought to thought, and this is when I'm 100% sober! Every other dude I see looks so chill and without problems. I'm wicked envious of these guys and if they're with some hot chick, well then, I'm downright miserable. I want to be one of them. I want to just live in the moment like they seem to be. I look at pictures from over the years and I hate it cause they remind me of how I've never been just in that moment and happy. I look at pictures with my sister in them and she always looks happy and in the moment, without any thoughts other than what is happening right then. My sister only lives in the moment, she really does just like my mom. She doesn't care about what just happened or whats going to happen she just enjoys life without a whole lot of worry and I'm not sure that I will ever be so lucky.
It was a good day that ended up not-so-great, but today I'm feeling alright. Just want everything to get better and better so that I'll be able to live the life I want someday.
Here's another favorite Cudi song that came up on my friends playlist yesterday when driving around. Have a listen, it's def worth your time.
KiD CuDi - Up Up and Away
Want to have his attitude:
I'll be up up and away
Up up and away
Cause they gon' judge me anyway so whatever
I'll be up up and away
Up up and away
Cause in the end they'll judge me anyway so whatever
Also, I'm open to Q&A so if any of you guys would like to ask a question and receive an answer, just ask away in the comments section below! Don't hold back, I'm open to answering pretty much anything.
This past weekend I celebrated Easter with my family. The weather was beautiful and the food came out pretty damn close if not exact to how my mom used to do it all! We were pretty proud of ourselves and enjoyed a good day with close family. It was def weird without my mom there but, it wasn't this big gaping hole like we thought it would be....it really felt like she was with us, hard to explain, but it just did.
I had a couple shitty moments with two family members. Nothing to significant to talk about though, just stupid bullshit with stupid people. I'm really over tolerating people because they're family and I don't want to put the time or energy into it anymore.
On a more positive note, because of Patriots Day a few of my friends were home for the long weekend so I was able to chill with them and enjoy some great summer weather. Monday was a pretty solid day overall and it really had me missing the good old times. Fuck I sound like my parents. When did just hanging out and doing whatever with my friends become the "good old times" We're in our early 20s, we're not 50! So yesterday AM I picked up my friend J, she's pretty cool and haven't seen her in a couple months so it was great to hang out, we headed to D's place to pick him up and wait for our friend C who was driving in from her place out of town. We piled in my car, packed a few bowls and went for a good old fashioned burn ride. The weather in my town was high 80s and clear and it felt sooo good. I love summer weather! We just smoked and drove/walked around, grabbed lunch at a restaurant with a deck on the ocean and then headed to the beach for a bit before heading back to D's so he could leave to get back to his school.
It was a pretty lax day and nothing special happened it was just good to chill with a few friends and have some laughs. I forgot though how being the in sun all and being high on top of that can really wipe the shit outta you.
I love smoking weed. I will freely admit that to anyone who asks. Smoking used to help calm my anxiety but then there was this turning point this past September when my mom's health was getting worse and when I realized no matter how much I tried, I would never be straight. I've slowly started to introduce it back into my body this weekend, but only when I knew I'd be productive and when I'd be with some good people. Yesterday was attempt 2, attempt 1 was saturday night when it was just D and I hanging out at a local bar watching the Bruin's game. Both times were fine, with the exception of the tail end of today's high when I was coming down.
Felt mad tired on the drive back to my house and started getting some anxiety about the whole gay thing. It stills feels surreal to me that I'm gay and that I'm going to be fully out someday. It scares the shit out of me. Just the thoughts of bringing a boyfriend to family parties and then having a husband someday while all my dude cousins will have wives. I feel so raw and vulnerable all the time. I know these thoughts creeped in cause of the weed but I honestly don't regret smoking yesterday. For a few hours it felt like the old times and I really needed that. I've given it up for some time now cause of everything with my mom and everything with me coming out. Just makes the anxiety a lot worse, so I cut it out. I'm definitely not going to be smoking like I used to, that would be nice, but it's just not for me at this point.
But, going back to the anxiety. There are times where I legit am fine with the gay thing and actually think its cool that I'm a dude into dudes haha, but most of the time I just stress out about it all. I honestly can't see myself in a relationship. I don't know how to let people into my life, even my closest friends are kept at arm's length some of the time. I'm a private guy and very guarded and trust is HUGE with me. It takes A LOT for me to trust someone and I mean A LOT! I just can't see myself letting some dude in that I haven't known for a decent amount of time. How do I do that? I like when things happen naturally, in a go-with-the-flow kind of way. I hope that happens for me. I just don't see how it will.....
I feel like my mind is never at ease, like its constantly moving from thought to thought to thought, and this is when I'm 100% sober! Every other dude I see looks so chill and without problems. I'm wicked envious of these guys and if they're with some hot chick, well then, I'm downright miserable. I want to be one of them. I want to just live in the moment like they seem to be. I look at pictures from over the years and I hate it cause they remind me of how I've never been just in that moment and happy. I look at pictures with my sister in them and she always looks happy and in the moment, without any thoughts other than what is happening right then. My sister only lives in the moment, she really does just like my mom. She doesn't care about what just happened or whats going to happen she just enjoys life without a whole lot of worry and I'm not sure that I will ever be so lucky.
It was a good day that ended up not-so-great, but today I'm feeling alright. Just want everything to get better and better so that I'll be able to live the life I want someday.
Here's another favorite Cudi song that came up on my friends playlist yesterday when driving around. Have a listen, it's def worth your time.
KiD CuDi - Up Up and Away
Want to have his attitude:
I'll be up up and away
Up up and away
Cause they gon' judge me anyway so whatever
I'll be up up and away
Up up and away
Cause in the end they'll judge me anyway so whatever
Also, I'm open to Q&A so if any of you guys would like to ask a question and receive an answer, just ask away in the comments section below! Don't hold back, I'm open to answering pretty much anything.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Long time no post
What's up dudes?
Hope everyone had a good Easter weekend with their families and for any Jewish readers I wish you all a happy Passover! While most Christians celebrated their Easter this past Sunday, I however will have Easter with my family this upcoming Sunday the 15th. Why? Well, my family happens to be part Greek and we've always celebrated Easter according to the Orthodox calendar. The church services are pretty elaborate and for sure some of the most beautiful around. But, I have decided not to attend any this year and don't know that I'll be going back, well, ever.
In this whole coming out process, I found out that the Greek Orthodox religion is not exactly gay-friendly. In fact, I found out since I am gay I cannot take communion because it will "harm me" rather than "help me". Now this, technically, only applies to gays who are fully out or act on their sexuality. I still don't feel it's right for me to take communion or go to church services when I know the church's views towards homosexuality. I just can't bring myself to go. I feel like shit cause it's part of how I grew up and I really do like going to the Easter services. Also, it's mad difficult to try and explain to extended family why I'm not going to church any more. It's not that I'm following the church's orders with their beliefs about LGBT people.... I just can't support a place that discriminates like that. They're a private institution so I understand it's their right and I'm not telling them to change it, but it would be great.
Anyway, this Easter will be really rough for me and my family. It'll be the first holiday without my mom and we're already having a tough time. Mom did everything for this holiday, it was her favorite. She did all the cooking and baking with my dad, sister, and I, and no help. She really got us into everything. We've had to get my mom's best friend in on the prep. She happens to be one of my favorite family members and my dad's 1st cousin. She's been great throughout my moms whole illness and death and for sure I don't know what my family would do without her and her husband. Her husbands the shit and just the best guy you could meet. So its been awesome to have them help out with the holiday traditions. Mom never wanted a cook to help with her holiday because she said the love wasn't there like it is when everyone pitches in and gets the job done together. So far all the prep has been going well, just kinda emotional for everyone....especially my father.
Every year for Easter and Thanksgiving we have the same people for dinner. We have my dad's sister's family, there are 5 of them. My dad's first cousin's (the one thats been helping us out) family, there are 4 of them. And then my family, now there's just 3 of us plus my sister's bf is going to be joining for the first time. So dinner is pretty small and thats how we like it, but it'll be wicked off this year cause on top of my mom not being here, my dad has given my sister and I the heads of the table. That's where mom and dad always sat and it just feels like its too early to be taking their spots at the dinner table. But, hey, thats what dad wants so we'll give it to him. We have about 30-50 people coming for dessert depending on who is in from out of state and what other family members have things going on at their houses.
It'll be great to see everyone again. We don't get enough time to catch up throughout the year and my 1st cousin is flying in from NYC with his gf to come for the weekend. He's like an older bro to me, our personalities are pretty similar so we have a great time driving the whole family crazy with our sarcasm and dry humor haha. It's always good to catch up with him and just hang out. There'll be a few other cousins that I'm looking forward to seeing. I have kind of distanced myself from them cause of the whole gay/anxiety thing. But they're chill dudes and I grew up pretty tight with them so I'm gonna try to make up for some lost time starting this weekend. As for everyone else, I can't wait to see them all, especially the ones that are stress free and chill....you know the ones, we all have those few family members that are actually pretty cool and don't drive us fucking nuts like the rest! hah
Welp, I think thats it for now. Gonna try to post more but to be honest my life hasn't been that interesting lately.
Take it easy guys!
PS. Thought I would include this vid cause I think it's mad powerful and it gave me chills to hear. It's simple but speaks volumes. It goes hand in hand with my 1st and 2nd paragraphs.
Give mad props to this guy. He's stands up for what he believes and he'll go down in the book as being on the right side of history. If only more people took his view.....
Hope everyone had a good Easter weekend with their families and for any Jewish readers I wish you all a happy Passover! While most Christians celebrated their Easter this past Sunday, I however will have Easter with my family this upcoming Sunday the 15th. Why? Well, my family happens to be part Greek and we've always celebrated Easter according to the Orthodox calendar. The church services are pretty elaborate and for sure some of the most beautiful around. But, I have decided not to attend any this year and don't know that I'll be going back, well, ever.
In this whole coming out process, I found out that the Greek Orthodox religion is not exactly gay-friendly. In fact, I found out since I am gay I cannot take communion because it will "harm me" rather than "help me". Now this, technically, only applies to gays who are fully out or act on their sexuality. I still don't feel it's right for me to take communion or go to church services when I know the church's views towards homosexuality. I just can't bring myself to go. I feel like shit cause it's part of how I grew up and I really do like going to the Easter services. Also, it's mad difficult to try and explain to extended family why I'm not going to church any more. It's not that I'm following the church's orders with their beliefs about LGBT people.... I just can't support a place that discriminates like that. They're a private institution so I understand it's their right and I'm not telling them to change it, but it would be great.
Anyway, this Easter will be really rough for me and my family. It'll be the first holiday without my mom and we're already having a tough time. Mom did everything for this holiday, it was her favorite. She did all the cooking and baking with my dad, sister, and I, and no help. She really got us into everything. We've had to get my mom's best friend in on the prep. She happens to be one of my favorite family members and my dad's 1st cousin. She's been great throughout my moms whole illness and death and for sure I don't know what my family would do without her and her husband. Her husbands the shit and just the best guy you could meet. So its been awesome to have them help out with the holiday traditions. Mom never wanted a cook to help with her holiday because she said the love wasn't there like it is when everyone pitches in and gets the job done together. So far all the prep has been going well, just kinda emotional for everyone....especially my father.
Every year for Easter and Thanksgiving we have the same people for dinner. We have my dad's sister's family, there are 5 of them. My dad's first cousin's (the one thats been helping us out) family, there are 4 of them. And then my family, now there's just 3 of us plus my sister's bf is going to be joining for the first time. So dinner is pretty small and thats how we like it, but it'll be wicked off this year cause on top of my mom not being here, my dad has given my sister and I the heads of the table. That's where mom and dad always sat and it just feels like its too early to be taking their spots at the dinner table. But, hey, thats what dad wants so we'll give it to him. We have about 30-50 people coming for dessert depending on who is in from out of state and what other family members have things going on at their houses.
It'll be great to see everyone again. We don't get enough time to catch up throughout the year and my 1st cousin is flying in from NYC with his gf to come for the weekend. He's like an older bro to me, our personalities are pretty similar so we have a great time driving the whole family crazy with our sarcasm and dry humor haha. It's always good to catch up with him and just hang out. There'll be a few other cousins that I'm looking forward to seeing. I have kind of distanced myself from them cause of the whole gay/anxiety thing. But they're chill dudes and I grew up pretty tight with them so I'm gonna try to make up for some lost time starting this weekend. As for everyone else, I can't wait to see them all, especially the ones that are stress free and chill....you know the ones, we all have those few family members that are actually pretty cool and don't drive us fucking nuts like the rest! hah
Welp, I think thats it for now. Gonna try to post more but to be honest my life hasn't been that interesting lately.
Take it easy guys!
PS. Thought I would include this vid cause I think it's mad powerful and it gave me chills to hear. It's simple but speaks volumes. It goes hand in hand with my 1st and 2nd paragraphs.
Give mad props to this guy. He's stands up for what he believes and he'll go down in the book as being on the right side of history. If only more people took his view.....
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