Coming out to my family, Part 3

Yo dudes, what's up?  This is gonna be a long post, so bear with me....

So I said in my last post that I would talk more about my mom in the next post. Well, here it is;  my mom's awesome, she's somewhat of a free spirit, and she's a really good person - one of those people that others are drawn towards and that love life no matter what.  Here's the catch though... she's dying of brain cancer.

That's right, as I've been struggling with my sexuality I have also had to try to accept the fact that my mother isn't going to be around for too long.

3 years ago I was going to be a sophomore in college when, without my parents permission, I withdrew from my school to take some time off and do some traveling.  They weren't too happy with me, but eventually, they came around.  So I moved back into my parent's house and decided to focus on working out, getting healthy, and chilling with some friends who didn't go to colleges too far from where we live.  I planned on hitting up few cool spots I had been wanting to get to in other parts of the world. But, that all went to shit mid January.  It was a mad cold day and we had just had a snow storm that dumped a couple feet of snow on us.  So this one afternoon, about a week after my sister went back to school from winter break, I couldn't find my mom around the house.  I checked everywhere.

I decided to go out to our barn and see if she was there, well no more then 25 feet from the side door of our house, there she was.  I saw my mom lying on the ground, unconscious, half on a snow bank with a bloody knee, nose, and forehead.  It didn't look like she was breathing.  Naturally, I freaked out and thought she had died.  Luckily she hadn't and she started to move as I was on the phone with 911.  She tried to get up but I told her to just stay on the ground, that it wasn't safe to move and that help was on the way.  She had no idea who I was or where she was, although she could remember her own name.  Once I was off the phone with 911 I immediately called my dad and told him that mother was being rushed to the emergency room and to meet us there.  A few days later after a shit ton of testing, it came back that she had a brain tumor.

Within two weeks she was in surgery in one of the best hospitals in the world and was being taken care of by a truly great neurosurgeon.  We're pretty lucky that she was so fortunate to have been seen so quickly.  Not sure if any of you know about brain surgery, but once it happens, it forever alters the persons personality, even if just a little bit. Not to mention, the cancer was doing a pretty good job on that front as well.  So here I am three years later after making the decision to stay at my parents house and help take care of my mom so that my sister could focus on her studies and so that my dad wouldn't have to rely solely on himself and hired help.  Sometimes I resent having the last 3 years of what should have been the time of my life, taken away to help take care of her.  But I just try to remind myself that I'm honoring her and giving back to a women who gave so much of her own self to be able have my sister and I.  It turns out, these past 3 years have been the best of my life.  I was able to get close with my mom in a way that I hadn't been in the past, I really had an awesome chance to get to know this amazing woman.  I wouldn't change anything about this time we've shared together.  I've met a lot of really great people in this world, and only a very few can hold a candle to my mother.

Mom doesn't have the same personality as before the tumor, but there are still pieces of it there, and as the past few years have progressed, so has the cancer. The change to her personality is pretty obvious.  The night that I came out to my sister we talked about when a good time to tell mom would be.  She told me that mom was becoming more and more worried for me, that she didn't understand why I was having such bad anxiety and panic attacks and why my anger and depression were getting worse.  I had planned on waiting to come out to her until Christmas, but my sister made a good point, that our mother wasn't getting any better and now was better then ever.  So the next morning after a failed attempt to get over my anxiety I sat down with my sister and told my mom that I'm gay.

Her response was def not as enthusiastic as it would have been if she didn't have this cancer, but it is what it is.  She first asked me if I was kidding (I have a dry sense of humor and am pretty sarcastic at times) and then asked me if I was really gay.  I told her this was not a joke and that I have been struggling for years with this.  I asked if she ever suspected anything and she said yes.  Her only reason though was that I hadn't had a girlfriend in 3 years and didn't seem to be dating.  She assured me that I do not come off as anything like the stereotype and other than the fact that I hadn't dated in a while, she would have never guessed.  She didn't have much to say other than she was happy that I told her and doesn't care at all, that she loves me even more now, cause she knows more of me.  My mom has always been on the side of gay rights and has never seen people's skin color, sexual orientation, or religion as something to be judged.  I couldn't come from a more accepting family and I am mad grateful for that cause I know not everyone is as lucky.

In the end, I am happy that I have come out to my family, especially my mom.  She deserves to know the whole of the son she gave birth to before she dies.  This has given me a chance to make peace with her for all the crap over the years.

If you want to know what my family is like just check out The Family Stone.  Its a tear jerker, a comedy, and yeah a chick flick, but still an all around great movie.  My mom is just like the mom, my dad is pretty much the dad, my sister is more or less Amy, and well I guess that would make me a cross between Thad, the gay son and Ben, another son.  Just wish I had all those other siblings, man it would have been great to have grown up in a big family, really wish my parents had more kids.

Here's the trailer:

Coming out to my family, Part 2

Here's part 2 of my coming out to my family.  My sister is pretty freaking awesome, she's a year younger than me and is a lot of times my voice of reason in a sea of self-doubt.  She tells it like it is and has no problem in doing so.

She was coming home for the weekend from college and knew that I had been dealing with a ton of panic attacks and couldn't understand why, but she was pissed that I was having them.  She would say things like "What do you honestly have to panic about, I don't understand where this is coming from, just get over it!" ha ha if only she knew.... So I decided to take her to a favorite spot of mine on the ocean and we just sat around talking for a bit about life and our mom (I'll talk more about her in part 3).

So in the middle of our conversation I took a page from Average Gay Dude's book and came out with the line, "If I were to die tomorrow, would there be anything that you would want to know about me that you didn't think you already knew".  Well, she started to get upset and asked me if I was going to kill myself.  I just laughed and said no, no worries on that front, just answer the question.  She said "no, what's going on...?".  That's when I came out with it;  I said I'm gay and all the blood rushed to her face, she looked like a deer caught in headlights and blurted out "What!? Wait....really?".

I said yes really and we talked for a bit about all the stuff I went over with our dad.  Earlier that night, before I came out to her, I asked her how my voice sounded.  She seemed confused by this and said "What do you mean?  You sound like a dude",  I said really, like my voice is deep and masculine and all?, to which she responded with, "uh, yeah and I am pretty sure your voice is deeper than my boyfriends".  Phew, I was in the clear on that one....so now back to that spot on the ocean.

When we were talking she became super stoked and happy, she said "I always wanted a gay best friend/brother and now I have one!"  I assured her that just because I'm gay doesn't mean that I'm not still a dude and that I wouldn't be going shopping with her or talking about hair and make-up.  I'll leave that stuff to her girl friends and other gay guys, if thats what they're into.  She's chill with that, she's just wicked happy to have a gay bro.  She's always talking about how much she loves the gays!  So after this we went to grab a bite to eat at a great local place and just talked more about what had just happened.  I feel so much closer with her and it feels really good that she now knows all of me.  She's the best, we have our issues, like any siblings but I def don't know what I would do without her.

Part 3 is coming!

ps I'm pretty sure the most upsetting thing about this for her was that I didn't go off on her gaydar, which she says is always spot on lol

Coming out to my family

What's up guys?  Hope all is well with all of you.  I thought I would make my 2nd post about my coming out experience with my family.  This is part 1 of 3, part 2 will come soon.

So, first I came out to my dad.  It was mid September and I had hit an all time low, lower than I've ever been.  I knew I couldn't go on like that, especially since I was leaving for europe and I def wouldn't have enjoyed my trip if I didn't talk to someone about my not-so-little secret.

My father has always been my best friend, since I was a kid.  I remember tons of times tossing a baseball back and forth in the yard, kicking a soccer ball around, roughhousing, being at the beach, spending summers in Maine and having an all around great time with the guy.  He's also a pretty artsy dude so I get a lot of my creativity from him.  I've always dealt with depression since high school, but I kept a lot of it pretty well hidden and no one really knew how bad it was until it came out in full force before my trip.  For those two weeks before I left my dad knew something was up.

These two weeks coincided with the time that my best friend left to move back to her parents house.  She moved to NE for the summer to be with my family, she was one of the only girls I've ever been attracted to sexually and emotionally and I knew that when she left it was never going to happen.  My family thought my depression and anger were because she left, but there was obvs a lot more going on.... I told my dad that I'm gay two hours before I left for the airport.  I asked him to go for a drive with me, and after about 15 minutes in the car, I just told him.  He was totally chill about it, one of his best friends from childhood is gay, so he has no problems with it whatsoever.  When I asked if anyone had ever second-guessed my sexuality he said never.  That was a big relief, because I want people to judge me for me, not because I'm gay.

He was, however, pretty upset when I told him about all the sleepless nights spent having panic attacks, crying, and praying that God would just take my life so I wouldn't have to deal with this.  I asked him not to tell my mom or sister, that I had to do it when I was ready and he respected that.  We talked for a while about my voice, actions, and looks and he assured me that I am all man, deep voice, looks, etc.  He's not the type of guy to bullshit so I knew what he was saying is truth.  I think I am just dealing with the fact that to be gay doesn't mean that one acts feminine, has a lisp, and limp wrists.  There isn't anything wrong with this, if that's who you are. But, that just isn't me.  I still deal with these thoughts on the reg and I know its just because this is all really fresh to me.

Like my therapist said "just because you're gay doesn't mean that you have to turn in your masculinity".

So with all that, I left, my trip was beyond sick.  It turned out to be a good break from all the shit I was dealing with, that started up all over again once I was back in the states.  Next I had to come out to my sister.... when, I didn't know, but knew it had to be soon.  She's a voice of reason and I know that she, more than anyone, will always tell me how it really is.  Coming out to her was by far one of the best nights of my life, but more on that in part 2.

For now - keep on, keeping on.  Later dudes

First Post

Not sure how to really start this, so I'm just gonna jump right in - its gonna be long but stick with it, hopefully it'll be worth your time...


For years I've tried to convince myself that this was a phase, that gay people were disgusting and I def was not one of them. At the end of September I hit an all time low and decided I would tell my best friend, the guy the gets me more than anyone, my dad. His response was what I knew it would be - he couldn't have been happier. See, my dad doesn't care about shit like this, no one in my family does, except me. I decided that telling him was good enough for the time being, the day I told him was also the day I left for Europe. I was actually able to enjoy this trip, that I had considered canceling because I was too fucking depressed and anxious. Good thing I decided to go cause the trip was life changing.

Turns out the country I was visiting is super gay friendly and a pretty sick place to be. People are just people there, everyone's different and everyone respects one another for his/her differences. I saw how the rest of the world should be...

So here I am, a 23 year old masculine gay guy living in New England trying to get through life as a gay man. I have just come to accept this fact and I am trying to power through all the emotion, anxiety, and panic attacks that go along with this new stage in my life. So far, I've lived life as a "straight" dude and have done a pretty good job at fooling the people in my life, not that I've tried - always been myself except the gay thing. It took about 8 years of struggling to figure everything out and for about 1.5 years now have known that this is part of who I am.  After reading through some blogs I finally stumbled upon Through the eyes of a masculine gay guy and My double Life. These dudes gave me the courage to admit to myself that it is okay to be masculine and be gay. It's a mad good feeling to not feel so alone anymore!

 I was a pretty shy kid who was afraid to be outgoing or have a good time. Over the years people would comment on how great of a guy I am, whether it be my talents, my looks, or my intelligence, I don't believe anyone and still have a hard time buying the truth.  I have a hard time seeing past my sexuality.  I'm just a guy, a human being and there's a lot more to me then being gay.  My main goal is for this not to become bigger than me, what makes me who I am is so much more, I just wish I could see that.  I am lucky to have grown up in a great family who has always supported gay rights, they view us as normal people (kind of like just liking a different flavor of ice cream haha - they're wicked chill about it).

When I came out to my dad he said that no one in our family has ever questioned my sexuality which was a big relief to me because for years I thought everyone was talking behind my back.  It was a huge relief to come out to him.

I've made the decision to start counseling so I can gain more confidence to accept this part of my life and come out to close friends and family. So far I am out to my father, mother, sister, her boyfriend, and my father's sister. It feels mad good but I still have a long road ahead of me, but at least I've taken this first step.

Anyway, I'm gonna keep this blog anonymous for the time being. Hope everyone likes what they read here. Later dudes